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Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.3

Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family. v. 3
It is commonly considered by many that people should focus on building a professional career, so that they can make more money and fulfil their dreams. However, others tend to oppose this idea and believe that time is more important than money, therefore it should be utilised with friends and family. This essay will discuss both viewpoints before reaching at any conclusion. On the one hand, there are some people who hold a firm belief that youngsters should spend their quality time for the betterment of career. By doing so, they will be able to survive in a competitive environment, where prices of basic commodities are touching the sky. Additionally, they will be able to afford branded clothes, beautiful houses and luxury cars, which is a dream of almost every person. That is to say, the vast majority of people are working very hard to fulfil the needs of their family, so that their family can enjoy a standard of living and have a prosperous life. Consequently, things like poverty and hunger are reducing from society. On the other hand, some people opine that time is precious and therefore it should be utilized in taking care of the family, instead wasting on materialistic things. For instance, most of the successful businessman is busy in making their career and ignores the children and elderly people in their house, resulting in weaker family bond, which further leads to problems like stress, depression and anxiety. In addition, such people do not watch the actions of their children closely, resulting in kids start involving in illegal activities such as drug addiction and illegal sex. To conclude, I believe both family and career plays a significant role in an individual’s life and therefore both should be given an equal importance. Also, one has to learn managing work and social life together to achieve a high level of success.
It is
commonly
considered by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should focus on building a professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money and fulfil their dreams.
However
, others tend to oppose this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and believe that time is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than money,
therefore
it should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
with friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. This essay will discuss both viewpoints
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching at any conclusion.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who hold a firm belief that youngsters should spend their quality time for the betterment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they will be able to survive in a competitive environment, where prices of basic commodities are touching the sky.
Additionally
, they will be able to afford branded clothes,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and luxury cars, which is a dream of almost every person.
That is
to say, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to fulfil the needs of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can enjoy a standard of living and have a prosperous life.
Consequently
, things like poverty and hunger are reducing from society.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that time is precious and
therefore
it should be
Do not mix variants of the same word ('utilize' and 'utilise') within a single text.
utilized
in taking care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
instead
wasting on materialistic things.
For instance
, most of the successful businessman is busy in making their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignores
the children and elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, resulting in weaker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bond, which
further
leads to problems like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, depression and anxiety.
In addition
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the actions of their children
closely
, resulting in kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
involving in illegal activities such as drug addiction and illegal sex.

To conclude
, I believe both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
plays a significant role in an individual’s life and
therefore
both should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an equal importance.
Also
, one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
learn managing work and social life together to achieve a high level of success.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people think it is more important to spend time in developing a successful career while others think it is more important to spend time with friends and family. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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