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Some people think governments are responsible for peoples health, others believe its an indiviuduals responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think governments are responsible for peoples health, others believe its an indiviuduals responsibility. v. 1
Healthcare remains a very crucial part of out basic amenities. The topic of whether or not people or the government should be held accountable for issues partaining to health,   remains very controversial. In my opinion, the government should be solely in charge of the health of its citizens at all times. On one hand, health care as well as the funding for the research into cures and vaccines are expensive. Private firms and singular entities cannot bear the burden alone. Furthermore, the cost of hospital admissions, investigations and medications would cripple the finances of the individual without governemt aid and policies. All fingers are not equal, therefore, the government plays a huge role by providing subsidized care to patients in its publicly funded facilities. For example, data from a survey carried out by the World Health Organization, in Nigeria, in 2013, revealed that many Nigerians depend entirely on the government to access excellent medical care. On the other hand, people are the masters of their bodies. Most diseases in the world today are preventable, that is, they are mostly caused by poor lifestyle choices. Individuals should incocate the habit of proper diet, exercise and regular medical checkups to keep fit and also  to detect illnesses at the early stages. In conclusion, while some are of the opinion that governments should be responsible for health, others are of the school of thought that it rests on the individual. I believe that it is the  responsibility of governments to cater for the health of all its nationals.
Healthcare remains a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial part of out basic amenities. The topic of
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
be held
accountable for issues
Possible spelling mistake found.
partaining
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
remains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
controversial. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should be
solely
in charge of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of its citizens at all times.

On one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care
as well
as the funding for the research into cures and vaccines are expensive. Private firms and singular entities cannot bear the burden alone.
Furthermore
, the cost of hospital admissions, investigations and medications would cripple the finances of the individual without
Possible spelling mistake found.
governemt
aid and policies. All fingers are not equal,
therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
plays a huge role by providing subsidized care to patients in its
publicly
funded facilities.
For example
, data from a survey carried out by the World
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
Organization, in Nigeria, in 2013, revealed that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Nigerians depend
entirely
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to access excellent medical care.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are the masters of their bodies. Most diseases in the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are preventable,
that is
, they are
mostly
caused by poor lifestyle choices. Individuals should
Possible spelling mistake found.
incocate
the habit of proper diet, exercise and regular medical checkups to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit and
also
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
to detect illnesses at the early stages.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should be responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, others are of the school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that it rests on the individual. I believe that it is the
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to cater for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of all its nationals.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people think governments are responsible for peoples health, others believe its an indiviuduals responsibility. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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