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Some people think children have too much freedom. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think children have too much freedom. v. 1
Children’s education has become more diverse. Consequently, it is thought that children have more freedom than is necessary. In my opinion, the freedom granted to children is not too much for two key reasons. The first reason is that children are not allowed to act according to their willingness in school. Children who are students are regulated with a series of school rules that are implemented by teachers. For example, children are required to arrive at school on time and are not permitted to sleep in class, even though they feel sleepy when they suffer from insufficient sleep. In addition, every weekend, they have to finish homework instead of playing outside all day. As a result, children have limited freedom in school while under the supervision of teachers. The second reason lies in the fact that children are also restricted by their parents in everyday matters. To be specific, children rarely are allowed to make their own choices on daily aspects such as diet, clothes, and especially entertainment. This is because parents often think their children may not be mature enough and some decisions that children make may have some negative outcomes. For instance, some children are enthusiastic about playing computer games, but few parents provide them with access to the mobile phone and internet for fearing that their children become addicted to it. Thus, children have limited freedom at home as well. In conclusion, children do not have many freedoms because both teachers and parents play supervisory roles. Thus, there is no need to be concerned about the given statement.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
education has become more diverse.
Consequently
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
than is necessary. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
granted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is not too much for two key reasons.

The
first
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to act according to their willingness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who are students
are regulated
with a series of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
that
are implemented
by teachers.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are required
to arrive at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
on time and are not permitted to sleep in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
,
even though
they feel sleepy when they suffer from insufficient sleep.
In addition
, every weekend, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
finish homework
instead
of playing outside all day.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
while under the supervision of teachers.

The second reason lies in the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
also
restricted by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in everyday matters. To be specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rarely are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices on daily aspects such as diet, clothes, and
especially
entertainment. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may not be mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decisions that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are enthusiastic about playing computer games,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
provide them with access to the mobile phone and internet for fearing that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become addicted to it.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedom
at home
as well
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freedoms
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play supervisory roles.
Thus
, there is no need to
be concerned
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think children have too much freedom. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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