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Some people think children have too much freedom. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think children have too much freedom. v. 2
There is a trend that children’s education become more diverse than the past. It is thought that children have more freedom than the necessary amount. In my opinion, the freedom granted to children is not too much. The first reason is that children are not allowed to act according to their willingness in school. Children who have the identity as students are regulated by a series of school rules by teachers. For example, children are required to arrive at school on time and not permitted to sleep in class even though they feel sleepy when they suffer insufficient sleep. Every weekend, they have to finish homework instead of playing outside all the day. It means that children have limited freedom in schooling with the supervision of teachers. The second evidence lies in the fact that children are also restricted by their parents in everyday matters. To be specific, children rarely are allowed to make their own choices on daily aspects such as diet, clothes and especially entertainment, because parents think their children may not be as mature as enough and some decisions kids make may have some bad influences on them. For instance, some children have a strong enthusiasm in playing computer games, but few parents provide them with access to the mobile phone and internet for fearing that their children become addicted to it. In conclusion, not too much is left to children, because both teachers and parents play a role of supervisors. There is no need to concerned about this given statement.
There is a trend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education become more diverse than the past. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have more freedom than the necessary amount. In my opinion, the freedom granted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is not too much.

The
first
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to act according to their willingness in school.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who have the identity as students
are regulated
by a series of school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
by teachers.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are required
to arrive at school on time and not permitted to sleep in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
even though
they feel sleepy when they suffer insufficient sleep. Every weekend, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
finish homework
instead
of playing outside all the day. It means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have limited freedom in schooling with the supervision of teachers.

The second evidence lies in the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
also
restricted by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in everyday matters. To be specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rarely are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices on daily aspects such as diet, clothes and
especially
entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may not be as mature as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decisions kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influences on them.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a strong enthusiasm in playing computer games,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
provide them with access to the mobile phone and internet for fearing that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become addicted to it.

In conclusion
, not too much is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a role of supervisors. There is no need to concerned about this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think children have too much freedom. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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