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Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.7

Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. v. 7
In the sophisticated era, crimes are increasing more and more. In order to create safe and sustainable ambiance, people who committee low level of crimes should be made to do unpaid work in spite putting them behind that bar. I am personally inclined to partially agree with this statement and shed light on the reasons behind it in the subsequent paragraphs. To begin with, offenders who committee low level of crimes such as, breaking laws, they should be assigned for community works in the society such as cleaning streets, planting trees and charity work. Because of it, they may be engaged themselves in unpaid activities for the betterment of the society. As a result, this trend may help to mitigate environmental issues. So, charitable works should be done by the lawbreakers in order to improve the ambiance of the society and give them a chance of learning. Hence, criminals with low level of illegal activities must be assigned to community services. However, people who committed serious Crimes such as murder, rape, smuggling and so on should put them behind the bars, in order to set an example for others. Due to it, the crime rate may decrease. They may have fears of punishment in their mind and they may think many times before committing any crime. In addition, it is the best way which may help them to realize their crime. Thus, in order to set an example, offenders should be sent into the jails. To recapitulate, although by sending criminals into the jails is the most effective way and it has many merits, but the cons of assigning people for charity work should not be overestimated.
In the sophisticated era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are increasing more and more. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to create safe and sustainable ambiance,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who committee low level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
should
be made
to do unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in spite putting them behind that bar. I am
personally
inclined to
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and shed light on the reasons behind it in the subsequent paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, offenders who committee low level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
such as, breaking laws, they should
be assigned
for community works in the society such as cleaning streets, planting trees and charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of it, they may
be engaged
themselves in unpaid activities for the betterment of the society.
As a result
, this trend may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to mitigate environmental issues.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, charitable works should
be done
by the lawbreakers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the ambiance of the society and give them a chance of learning.
Hence
, criminals with low level of illegal activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be assigned
to community services.

However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who committed serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Crimes
such as murder, rape, smuggling and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on should put them behind the bars, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to set an example for others. Due to it, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate may decrease. They may have fears of punishment in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mind and
they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
committing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
In addition
, it is the best way which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to realize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
Thus
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to set an example, offenders should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
into the jails.

To recapitulate, although by sending criminals into the jails is the most effective way and it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
merits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the cons of assigning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
should not
be overestimated
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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