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Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. To what extent do you agree? v.13

Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. v. 13
It is undeniably true that the crime rate is increasing day by day, and so is the burden on the jails. Some people believe that bounding the prisoners to work for the community, without being paid, is far better than locking them up in the prisons. I completely agree with this point of view and following are the reasons to believe so. Firstly, if a policy is made to modify the punishment of the prisoners, such that they spend time doing unpaid community work, this could benefit the society and the people to a great extent. For example, if the educated prisoners are made to teach the children, especially the ones who belong to a poor socioeconomic class, this would be an extreme help in improving the graph of education, as more and more children would get the opportunity to get educated. Similarly, the accused ones, who are good mechanics, if made to work at garages without a salary, would turn out to be a helping hand for the workers over there. Secondly, working for the public, changes the mindset of the criminals and they start thinking differently. For instance, when they spend their punishment period in the lockups, they are in an environment that does not change them much and after leaving the jail, they get back on the same track. However, if they are made to serve the community, such as by cleaning the floors of the shopping malls or by nursing the sick people, their mind gets diverted from the criminal thoughts. Therefore, when they end their period of punishment, they transform into decent and helpful individuals. To conclude, if the criminals are made to do the community services, this would not only improve the society, as the crime rate would fall and they would help in a variety of sectors, but it would have an enormous positive impact on the prisoners' personalities, as well.
It is
undeniably
true that the crime rate is increasing day by day, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is the burden on the jails.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that bounding the prisoners to work for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
, without
being paid
, is far better than locking them up in the prisons. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view and following are the reasons to believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

Firstly
, if a policy
is made
to modify the punishment of the prisoners, such that they spend time doing unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
work, this could benefit the society and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to a great extent.
For example
, if the educated prisoners
are made
to teach the children,
especially
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who belong to a poor socioeconomic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, this would be an extreme
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in improving the graph of education, as more and more children would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
educated.
Similarly
, the accused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mechanics, if made to work at garages without a salary, would turn out to be a helping hand for the workers over there.

Secondly
, working for the public,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
the mindset of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
criminals and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking
differently
.
For instance
, when they spend their punishment period in the lockups, they are in an environment that does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
them much and after leaving the jail, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back on the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
.
However
, if they
are made
to serve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
, such as by cleaning the floors of the shopping malls or by nursing the sick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, their mind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
diverted from the criminal thoughts.
Therefore
, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their period of punishment, they transform into decent and helpful individuals.

To conclude
, if the criminals
are made
to do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
services, this would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the society, as the crime rate would
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
fall and
they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in a variety of sectors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it would have an enormous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the prisoners' personalities,
as well
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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