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Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. v. 1
In today's world, advertising has become one of the most effective methods to promote a new product, and their main targeted at teenagers and children. But there are those who think that advertisements should be deleted. I partly agree with this idea that the tendency will have positive and negative impacts. Firstly, there are some positive effects of child-targeted advertising for some businesses. Specifically, some manufacturing companies are at risk of bankruptcy and economic decline due to the lack of young customers. Therefore, will lead to a sharp economic decline of the nation. For example, the chocolate and fast food industry like McDonald's depends heavily on teenagers and children. If it were not for the marketing strategy aimed at young children with the accompanied toys, these industries would not be as successful as they are now. On the other hand, blocking child-appointed ads can be of great benefit to many low-income families. The advertisements are not true but have beautiful images that make young people want to buy or make them ask for more money from their parents to be able to buy the item. For example, fast food not only causes health problems like obesity, cancer, etc. . . , but they also cost parents money on that. Moreover, advertising aimed at children will make the relationship between parents and their children more stressful. Children want what they see in ads, and this can cause a conflict between parents and children if parents refuse their children about what they want. In summary, in the long run, negative effects can be observed: financial budget and physical health.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, advertising has become one of the most effective methods to promote a new product, and their main targeted at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that advertisements should
be deleted
. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the tendency will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts.

Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of child-targeted advertising for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
businesses.
Specifically
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
manufacturing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of bankruptcy and economic decline due to the lack of young customers.
Therefore
, will lead to a sharp economic decline of the nation.
For example
, the chocolate and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food industry like McDonald's depends
heavily
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. If it were not for the marketing strategy aimed at young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with the accompanied toys, these industries would not be as successful as they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

On the other hand
, blocking child-appointed ads can be of great benefit to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
low-income families. The advertisements are not true
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
images that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
more money from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the item.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
causes health problems like obesity, cancer, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
cost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
money on that.
Moreover
, advertising aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more stressful.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
want what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in ads, and this can cause a conflict between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
refuse their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about what they want.

In summary, in the long run,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects can
be observed
: financial budget and physical health.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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