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Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. v.1

Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. v. 1
The most of the people believe that a part of the prisoners should work for free in their community instead of just serving their time in jail. As I see it, it would be an occasion for them to prove that they are trying to change while being behind bars, gaining at the same time the community's approval. Nowadays, many conservative parties are pressing the European governments to pass certain laws in order to make prisoners' life tougher. Their point of view is that jail is not a prize, but it must be a punishment. I partially agree with them as I think that prisoners, who have been sentenced for crimes such as murder, should not have a second opportunity. As prison is a re-educative structure, it becomes necessary not to worse all prisoners' condition, thus it would be great if they couòd start working while being inside the jails' facilities. Being occupied by a job during the day means less stimuli of violence among prisoners and moreover it could lead them to a brighter future once they finish their sentence. There are relevant studies in this field which show a positive correlation between working and the index of violence of the prisons. This evidence establishes that it may be a good practice that many penitentiaries should follow. Another advantage is that these people would learn something useful that may result in a new job when they will be released. This means that prisons will have achieved their mission of re-educative process for their inmates. To sum up, it is true that there could be some disadvantages by letting prisoners work, but without shadow of doubt, it is clear that positive sides of this practice overcome negative ones. I am certain of the fact that in the future the number of prisons following this path will grow and the prisoners' communities will experience a renewal.
The most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that a part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
should work for free in their community
instead
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
serving their time in jail. As I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it, it would be an occasion for them to prove that they are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
while being behind bars, gaining at the same time the community's approval.

Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
conservative parties are pressing the European
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to pass certain laws in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
prisoners' life tougher. Their point of view is that jail is not a prize,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a punishment. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with them as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
, who have
been sentenced
for crimes such as murder, should not have a second opportunity. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
is a re-educative structure, it becomes necessary not to worse all prisoners' condition,
thus
it would be great if they
Possible spelling mistake found.
couòd
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working while being inside the jails' facilities.

Being occupied
by a job during the day means
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun stimuli is countable.
less
stimuli of violence among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
and
moreover
it could lead them to a brighter future once they finish their sentence. There are relevant studies in this field which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
correlation between working and the index of violence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisons
. This evidence establishes that it may be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
practice that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
penitentiaries should follow. Another advantage is that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would learn something useful that may result in a new job when they will
be released
. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisons
will have achieved their mission of re-educative process for their inmates.

To sum up, it is true that there could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages by letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
without shadow of doubt, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides of this practice overcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ones. I am certain of the fact that in the future the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisons
following this path will grow and the prisoners' communities will experience a renewal.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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