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In what ways can new technology help maintain our traditions? v.1

In what ways can new technology help maintain our traditions? v. 1
Technology has driven the world with an immense force, day by day it has been growing and people is abiding it. Further, life has turned drastically as from starting with our day to end of the day we have been interacting with some or other gadgets. Maybe it has changed our lifestyle in the last couple of years. Let's see the different advantages and disadvantages that technology has driven us with our traditions. Going over the different advantages, first of all, it is a global and an optimal source of information. Over the period, lots of users have gathered in the network, which we are able to access and learn, however, knowing the fact that it can be a concrete or a vague piece of information. Let's take an example, we are starting our day with an alarm on our mobile phone and getting all works done in a computer, forgetting the fact we have lived in ages before we had a computer. With increasing population and growing technology, it has made our world smaller, people are now more connected and we have reached an apex point in globalisation. Moving over the disadvantages, day by day humans are more dependent on technology that we have become lethargic. For example, if we are hungering and we need food, then we simply order through phone never thought of going and having or getting it to him. Traditions have been affected to some extend, before we are 100 percent involved in a particular task, but if we have to see now then, interaction of gadgets and communication devices have taken over. Concluding by stating the facts that every development has a positive and a negative side of it, we just have to see that what weights more for us. Moreover, if things are going on our way, then a small amount of disadvantage or deviation in our traditions won't mind much for us.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
has driven the world with an immense force, day by day it has been growing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
abiding it.
Further
, life has turned
drastically
as from starting with our day to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day we have been interacting with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
or other gadgets. Maybe it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
our lifestyle in the last couple of years.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
advantages and disadvantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has driven us with our traditions.

Going over the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
advantages,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, it is a global and an optimal source of information. Over the period, lots of users have gathered in the network, which we are able to access and learn,
however
, knowing the fact that it can be a concrete or a vague piece of information.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's take an example, we are starting our day with an alarm on our mobile phone and getting all works done in a computer, forgetting the fact we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
we had a computer. With increasing population and growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, it has made our world smaller,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
connected and
we have reached an apex point in
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
.

Moving over the disadvantages, day by day humans are more dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
that we have become lethargic.
For example
, if we are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hungering and
we need food, then we
simply
order through phone never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of going and having or getting it to him. Traditions have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean the noun "extent"?
extend
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
we are 100 percent involved in a particular task,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
then, interaction of gadgets and communication devices have taken over.

Concluding by stating the facts that every development has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side of it, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that what weights more for us.
Moreover
, if things are going on our way, then a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of disadvantage or deviation in our traditions won't mind much for us.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay In what ways can new technology help maintain our traditions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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