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Some people think a job not only provides income but also social life. Others think it is better to develop social life with people you do not work with. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Some people think a job not only provides income but also social life. Others think it is better to develop social life with people you do not work with. 1
Some people believe that besides wage to meet their essential needs, an occupation also create a good relationship with their colleagues. While others think that it is better to widen their social relationships outside the workplace. From my perspective, there are some benefits of both views, however, I would suppose developing social life with those unrelated to their work is better. On the one hand, it is clear that a job give them a good opportunity to provide income and social life. Wages are considered an essential factor and an incentive for employees to work harder because they helps them earn money and improve the standard of living. Besides, working environment allows them meet and work with many co-workers who have different culture, styles and levels. When working, they can support by sharing experience, skills, difficulties and overcome those together to achieve their mission. In addition, there are also some solidarity-strengthening activities such as bonding, teambuilding et cetera to gain a better understanding and to get more close-knit. On the other hand, it is undeniable that outside of work is an ideal environment to establish friendships. There are two main reason as follows. Firstly, making friends with people work in different trades broadens their knowledge in various. For example, if their friend is an tour guide, they are able to be listened to interesting, helpful experiences, culture and people from different places. As a results, these knowledge may help them not only in their life but also in workplace. The second is releasing from pressure. It is understandable that competition in workplace and the amount of work often make stress for employees. Therefore, they need friends to share stories, problems that are impossible to talk with colleagues. In fact, social relationships outside usually base on same hobbies so they feel more comfortable when they are together. To sum up, an occupation gives both income and social life but I believed that it is more beneficial to socialize outside of work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
besides
wage to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their essential needs, an occupation
also
create a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relationship with their colleagues.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is better to widen their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relationships
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
the workplace. From my perspective, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits of both views,
however
, I would suppose developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with those unrelated to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is better.

On the one hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that a job give them a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to provide income and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Wages
are considered
an essential factor and an incentive for employees to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "help"
helps
them earn money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the standard of living.
Besides
, working environment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
co-workers who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture, styles and levels. When working, they can support by sharing experience,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, difficulties and overcome those together to achieve their mission.
In addition
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solidarity-strengthening activities such as bonding,
Possible spelling mistake found.
teambuilding
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
to gain a better understanding and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more close-knit.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is an ideal environment to establish friendships. There are two main reason as follows.
Firstly
, making friends with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
trades broadens their knowledge in various.
For example
, if their friend is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
tour guide, they are able to
be listened
to interesting, helpful experiences, culture and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places. As
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a result" or simply "results"?
a results
,
Did you mean "this knowledge" or "these knowledges"?
these knowledge
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in workplace. The second is releasing from pressure. It is understandable that competition in workplace and the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
for employees.
Therefore
, they need friends to share stories, problems that are impossible to talk with colleagues. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relationships
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
usually
base on same hobbies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they feel more comfortable when they are together.

To sum up, an occupation gives both income and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believed that it is more beneficial to socialize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outside
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people think a job not only provides income but also social life. Others think it is better to develop social life with people you do not work with. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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