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Many university students do part-time work while studying at university. Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

Many university students do part-time work while studying at university. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
It has been observed that the vast majority of college students have to opt part time jobs to support their miscellaneous tuition fees while finishing their degree. In my opinion, this is clearly a negative trend as students waste a lot of time doing unskilled jobs, which otherwise could be utilised in learning essential skills in the school. Those who opine that doing part time jobs along with pursuing university education is beneficial, can easily point out to its invaluable experience. That is to say, the side jobs not only help students to pay their massive tuition fees, but also aids them with unique real-life experience, which is essentially required for the growth and development of the career. For Instance, according to the research conducted by the University of British Columbia, part time jobs are advantageous for the international students as it teaches them about the different culture, language and religion, resulting in their better relationships with the people of the host country. Despite having advantages, working part time while pursuing university education has various negative impacts on the student’s life. Firstly, it becomes very difficult for students to complete assignments and exams because they spend most of their time working, instead of concentrating on their school education. Thus, they end up getting low grade, which definitely affects their future career. Secondly, a majority of part time jobs are unskilled due to the fact that, all skilled jobs required either a bachelor’s degree or an experience in the relevant field. To exemplify, according to The New York Times, around 90% of the school students are working as a housekeeper, to support their higher studies. To conclude, most university students work part time to support their tuition fees or to gain a real time experience. However, their inability to focus on the school education for the sake of unskilled jobs, makes me feel that this trend is mainly negative.
It has
been observed
that the vast majority of college
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
opt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to support their miscellaneous tuition fees while finishing their degree. In my opinion, this is
clearly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing unskilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, which
otherwise
could be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
in learning essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the school.

Those who opine that doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
along with pursuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is beneficial, can
easily
point out to its invaluable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
.
That is
to say, the side
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to pay their massive tuition fees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
aids them with unique real-life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, which is
essentially
required for the growth and development of the career.
For Instance
, according to the research conducted by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
of British Columbia,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are advantageous for the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as it teaches them about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture, language and religion, resulting in their better relationships with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the host country.

Despite having advantages, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
while pursuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
life.
Firstly
, it becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to complete assignments and exams
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working,
instead
of concentrating on their school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Thus
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up getting low grade, which definitely affects their future career.
Secondly
, a majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are unskilled
due to the fact that, all skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
required either a bachelor’s degree or an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in the relevant field. To exemplify, according to The New York
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
, around 90% of the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are working as a housekeeper, to support their higher studies.

To conclude
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to support their tuition fees or to gain a real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
.
However
, their inability to focus on the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for the sake of unskilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me feel that this trend is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
44Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Many university students do part-time work while studying at university. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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