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Some people students in school learn better when they study in group, others say school students study better when they are on their own. Discuss both views and give your oppinion. v.1

Some people students in school learn better when they study in group, others say school students study better when they are on their own. v. 1
Many people believe that a country can benefit from hosting a global sports festival, while others don't think so. They concern more about the problems that it will bring to the city. In the following paragraphs, there are persuasive reasons that we can examine both sides in depth. One of the main advantages for a place to have an international sporting event is that it is a perfect chance to rearrange a city. Take Beijing, for example, the major decided to build several huge and remarkable buildings while it planned Olympic in 2008. Furthermore, the civilian needed to change their some customs, such as throwing trash everywhere. By this way, they rebuilt the city and made it become a global well-known Beijing. From such examples, it demonstrates that the advantages in helping a city become a worldwide city by organizing a global festival. Nonetheless, there are some people claiming that the disadvantages of arranging such a big event are more than the benefits. For instance, Olympic was used to be planned to host in the Southern America, but the majority of the city dispute with this suggestion. Because they didn't have enough budget for supporting this global activity. Even though it may have chances to bring huge income, they did not have money for construction preparations. Moreover, children committed crimes easily if they organized such events. Consequently, it can be said that international exercise activity can not benefit all the places. To conclude, there is not to say that planning a global sports festival is totally without merit. Nevertheless, in my opinion, whether it can bring interests in a country or not depends on the surroundings of the country. Hence, it is worthy for some cities while it will become poison for other places.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that a country can benefit from hosting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
sports festival, while others don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. They concern more about the problems that it will bring to the city. In the following paragraphs, there are persuasive reasons that we can examine both sides in depth.

One of the main advantages for a place to have an international sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
is that it is a perfect chance to rearrange a city. Take Beijing,
for example
, the major decided to build several huge and remarkable buildings while it planned Olympic in 2008.
Furthermore
, the civilian needed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
customs, such as throwing trash everywhere. By this way, they rebuilt the city and made it become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
well-known Beijing. From such examples, it demonstrates that the advantages in helping a city become a worldwide city by organizing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
festival.

Nonetheless, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claiming that the disadvantages of arranging such a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
are more than the benefits.
For instance
, Olympic was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
be planned
to host in the Southern America,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the majority of the city dispute with this suggestion.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they didn't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
budget for supporting this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
activity.
Even though
it may have chances to bring huge income, they did not have money for construction preparations.
Moreover
, children committed crimes
easily
if they organized such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
Consequently
, it can
be said
that international exercise activity can not benefit all the places.

To conclude
, there is not to say that planning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
sports festival is
totally
without merit.
Nevertheless
, in my opinion, whether it can bring interests in a country or not depends on the surroundings of the country.
Hence
, it is worthy for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
while it will become poison for other places.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people students in school learn better when they study in group, others say school students study better when they are on their own. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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