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Some people say watching TV is bad for children in all ways, others say it is good for children to get knowledge. Discuss both views and give your opinion? v.1

Some people say watching TV is bad for children in all ways, others say it is good for children to get knowledge. v. 1
Television has been a primary source of entertainment for many people since its inception. Recently, there was a debate about the effects of watching television on children. Some argued that it has devastating results on the young minds while others said that it helped their children to gain general knowledge. I strongly advocate the later part, although it has its own drawbacks, but the benefits clearly outweigh the disadvantages. On one hand, watching videos for a stretch of hours had shown quite disappointing results for primary students. It was observed that children were becoming more adamant about their habit of watching cartoons, which reduced their vision an had a significant effect in their eyesight. In another experiment, spending allot of time in front of the television was affecting the social behaviour in the children. Experts say that watching TV for more than 4 hours a day might lead to psychological problems, furthermore, children might find comfortable by isolating themselves from the society. On the other hand, watching a variety of TV programs will develop a sense of creativity in the child. As Childs brain accumulates information from various channels, there is a very high probability to think out of the box from a young age. In an interview, child psychologist stated that, Till the age of 15 human brain has the capability to intake a massive amounts of data and will start implementing them accordingly as they grow. He also suggests that it might not have devastating effects on children as it is a good source of knowledge and information. To recapitulate, though watching television for a longer duration has its own disadvantages, but it is also beneficial for young ones to utilize their brain to its optimum level. Nevertheless, it is very much suggested that parents must monitor their children at regular intervals and observe the behavioural changes in them for avoiding any psychological problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Television
has been a primary source of entertainment for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
since its inception. Recently, there was a debate about the effects of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argued that it has devastating results on the young minds while others said that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to gain general knowledge. I
strongly
advocate the later part, although it has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
drawbacks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the benefits
clearly
outweigh the disadvantages.

On one hand, watching videos for a stretch of hours had shown quite disappointing results for primary students. It
was observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were becoming more adamant about their habit of watching cartoons, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
their vision
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
had a significant effect in their eyesight. In another experiment, spending
Did you mean "a lot of" (=plenty)?
allot of
time in front of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
was affecting the social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Experts say that watching TV for more than 4 hours a day might lead to psychological problems,
furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might find comfortable by isolating themselves from the society.

On the other hand
, watching a variety of TV programs will develop a sense of creativity in the child. As
Possible spelling mistake found.
Childs
brain accumulates information from various channels, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high probability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out of the box from a young age. In an interview, child psychologist stated that, Till the age of 15 human brain has the capability to intake a massive
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "amount"?
amounts
of data and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
implementing them
accordingly
as they grow. He
also
suggests that it might not have devastating effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
source of knowledge and information.

To recapitulate, though watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
for a longer duration has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
disadvantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
also
beneficial for young ones to utilize their brain to its optimum level.
Nevertheless
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much suggested that parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
monitor their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at regular intervals and observe the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in them for avoiding any psychological problems.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say watching TV is bad for children in all ways, others say it is good for children to get knowledge. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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