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Some people say the Olympics Games are not relevant in the 21st century. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people say the Olympics Games are not relevant in the 21st century. v. 3
It has been argued by many that in the 21st century, Olympic games will not be much more popular. In my opinion, I disagree with this as more nations are inclined towards the sports as compared to the past and this platform is necessary to bring the countries together. On the one hand, there is a rising trend among the people of different parts of the world to play and participate in different physical activities. Firstly, every government is trying to provide more playing facilities to their countrymen in order to produce good athletes. Secondly, the best sportsmen are sent at international forums like the Olympics to represent their nations. All this, ultimately, has a positive impact on the relevance of the Olympics in the current era. Moreover, such events make the individuals more competitive and patriotic. For instance, all the strongest opponents of the globe are round the clock busy in the training of their players for the Olympics. On the other hand, conduct of sports events at an international forum brings the people from different ethnic background close together. Although, there is a cut throat competition for medals and world records, but off the field they are like best friends. This brings the rival countries closer and also helps in the exchange of views. Furthermore, this platform also helps to develop closer ties between the diverse cultures. For example, a recent study has revealed that the Olympic games aid in the progress and prosperity of human beings. To conclude, I think that in the current time period events like the Olympics will gain more fame as they will spread peace and bring the people together.
It has
been argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that in the 21st century,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Olympic games
will not be much more popular. In my opinion, I disagree with this as more nations
are inclined
towards the sports as compared to the past and this platform is necessary to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
the countries together.

On the one hand, there is a rising trend among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
parts of the world to play and participate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
physical activities.
Firstly
, every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is trying to provide more playing facilities to their countrymen in order to produce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
athletes.
Secondly
, the best sportsmen are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
at international forums like the Olympics to represent their nations. All this,
ultimately
, has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the relevance of the Olympics in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
era.
Moreover
, such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the individuals more competitive and patriotic.
For instance
, all the strongest opponents of the globe are round the clock busy in the training of their players for the Olympics.

On the other hand
, conduct of sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
at an international forum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ethnic background close together. Although, there is a
'cut throat' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "cut-throat".
cut throat
competition for medals and world records,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
off the field they are like best friends. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
the rival countries closer and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in the exchange of views.
Furthermore
, this platform
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop closer ties between the diverse cultures.
For example
, a recent study has revealed that the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Olympic games
aid in the progress and prosperity of human beings.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
time period
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
like the Olympics will gain more fame as they will spread peace and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
together.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say the Olympics Games are not relevant in the 21st century. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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