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some people say the main way to be happy is by having a lot of money. how might having a lot of money make people happy? what other things in life can make people happy? v.1

some people say the main way to be happy is by having a lot of money. how might having a lot of money make people happy? what other things in life can make people happy? v. 1
It is believed by some people that being wealthy can make people happy. I believe that having a lot of money makes life so comfortable in the sense that the rich people have access to the basic necessities of living. In as much as there are so many ways to be joyful, being rich is a very good way to find excitement and fulfilment in our pursuits. Having money means that one can live comfortably and achieve one's dreams which include going on vacation with a desired destination, sending children to good schools and living in a beautiful neighbourhood. For example, I had dreamed of travelling to the United States of America with my family for vacation when I newly got married but could not afford it until recently. It was a dream come through for me when I got there and I believe being able to achieve your dreams brings fulfilment. However, there are other reasons why people can be excited which include being in good health and peace of mind. People often say that wholeness of our body is priceless and I believe it is true because we can only expect the realisation of our dreams when we are in good health. Imagine a wealthy person who can afford everything but very sickly. Peace of mind and well being are of more priority for me when it comes to happiness in life. In conclusion, I admit that being rich makes life very comfortable for us and gives us stability in terms of economic empowerment, but much more to be desired is peace of mind and good physical fitness because health is wealth.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that being wealthy can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy. I believe that having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
comfortable in the sense that the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have access to the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of living.

In as much as there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to be joyful, being rich is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
way to find excitement and
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
in our pursuits. Having money means that one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
comfortably
and achieve one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dreams
which include going on vacation with a desired destination, sending children to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
schools and living in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
.
For example
, I had dreamed of travelling to the United States of America with my family for vacation when I
newly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
could not afford it until recently. It was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dream
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
through for me when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
there and I believe being able to achieve your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dreams
brings
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
.

However
, there are other reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
be excited
which include being in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
health and peace of mind.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
say that wholeness of our body is priceless and I believe it is true
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'realisation' is British English.
realisation
of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dreams
when we are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
health. Imagine a wealthy person who can afford everything
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
sickly. Peace of mind and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
are of more priority for me when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to happiness in life.

In conclusion
, I admit that being rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
comfortable for us and gives us stability in terms of economic empowerment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
much more to
be desired
is peace of mind and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
physical fitness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
health is wealth.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay some people say the main way to be happy is by having a lot of money. how might having a lot of money make people happy? what other things in life can make people happy? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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