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Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v.6

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 6
The number of unemployment has steadily been increasing in the world. It has been causing that people have become freelancers than workers for companies or organizations. I will thoroughly argue that the reason why people have become the self-employed and what the disadvantages of the situation can lead to. To begin with, I think that there are not enough workplaces that the younger generation can work for a company or organization. In fact, if they don’t have professional licenses or skills, it is very difficult for them to get a regular job. For example, in Korea, there are lots of the unemployed who graduate in universities and most graduates have wanted to work at companies with good salaries and conditions. However, less than the 30% of the graduates can get a job. Therefore, most people have temporary jobs or they own their own business, such as freelancers. Moving on to the next, I think that being self-employed can be linked to an unstable life. The self-employed usually don’t have a regular income, so they have difficulties fo saving money for the future. Although they can have a flexible schedule, they should consider about some risks because they could take place unexpected situations. Therefore, I’ve argued that they tend to have an unbalanced life. In conclusion, the unemployment can lead to being self-enployed because they can’t have opportunities to work at a company. In addition, the most disadvantage in this case is that people could live in an unstable and unbalanced life because they don’t have a regular income.
The number of unemployment has
steadily
been increasing in the world. It has been causing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become freelancers than workers for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
or organizations. I will
thoroughly
argue that the reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become the self-employed and what the disadvantages of the situation can lead to.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
workplaces that the younger generation can work for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
or organization. In fact, if they don’t have professional licenses or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a regular job.
For example
, in Korea, there are lots of the unemployed who graduate in universities and most graduates have wanted to work at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salaries and conditions.
However
, less than the 30% of the graduates can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job.
Therefore
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have temporary
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
jobs or
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business, such as freelancers.

Moving on to the
next
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that being self-employed can
be linked
to an unstable life. The self-employed
usually
don’t have a regular income,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have difficulties
Possible spelling mistake found.
fo
saving money for the future. Although they can have a flexible schedule, they should consider about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could take place unexpected situations.
Therefore
, I’ve argued that they tend to have an unbalanced life.

In conclusion
, the unemployment can lead to being
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-enployed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can’t have opportunities to work at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
In addition
, the most disadvantage
in this case
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an unstable and unbalanced life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they don’t have a regular income.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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