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Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v.3

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 3
Nowadays, money became a most powerful equipment in communities for day to day lifestyle which makes human happy. This easy discuss about how people can make happy with a capital and what are other things can make human happy except handling the funds. The first point, lots of families are working hard to earn cash to build their life more comfortable by buying luxury house, car and other materialistic things. Therefore, they have to find a proper job with excellent wages to cover those belongings because of that they do not have enough time period to having relax and rest as a result of that they have become unhealthy and having a mental illness. Furthermore, the cash can purchase only physical thing which can make human eyes satisfaction and it has limited value, but could not borrow love, care, safety and relationship which having from the human heart and it has unlimited value. For instance, the money can buy friends, but cannot buy good friendship because that is more expensive than other touchable things. Additionally, a millionaire can buy a house, but can buy a home which has love, caring and family relationship. Visible things can make only temporary satisfaction rather than having permanent satisfaction from invisible things. In addition, the pay is just numbers that show up in a paper which can count even so the happiness is uncountable which does not display on numbers. In conclusion, happiness depends on our mind not with the wealthy, however objects always change if it has a quantity. By focusing on that happiness brings what we have on our hands and what we can achieve in our life.
Nowadays, money became a most powerful equipment in communities for day to day lifestyle which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
happy. This easy
Did you mean simply "discuss how"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
happy with a capital and what are other things can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
happy except handling the funds.

The
first
point, lots of families are working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to earn cash to build their life more comfortable by buying luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, car and other materialistic things.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
find a proper job with excellent wages to cover those belongings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time period to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
relax and rest
as a result
of that they have become unhealthy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a mental illness.
Furthermore
, the cash can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physical thing which can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
eyes satisfaction and it has limited value,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
could not borrow
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, care, safety and relationship which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
heart and it has unlimited value.
For instance
, the money can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
friendship
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that is
more expensive than other touchable things.
Additionally
, a millionaire can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a home which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, caring and family relationship. Visible things can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
temporary satisfaction
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
permanent satisfaction from invisible things.
In addition
, the pay is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
numbers that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
up in a paper which can count even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the happiness is uncountable which does not display on numbers.

In conclusion
, happiness depends on our mind not with the wealthy,
however
objects always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
if it has a quantity. By focusing on that happiness brings what we have on our hands and what we can achieve in our life.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 3

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
276 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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