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Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v.2

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 2
Several people claim that having plenty of money is the main way of being happy in life. Whereas a lot of money is a manner for fulfilling material desires, things and situations related to human feelings can also make people happy. First of all, it is hard for someone being happy living a frustated life, where their material desires cannot be achieved. Hence, huge amounts of money offers people ways to satisfy their material aspirations. For example, not only buying a new car or traveling abroad but also eating tasty and health food demands a large quantity of money. Consequently, money can be an enabler for things that make someone happy. However, it is not only material things that make someone happy. Thus, there are many other things related to human's emotions which can play a big role in someone happiness. For instance, spending time with a loved one or practicing charity by helping others in necessity, these things usually do not cost any money and are, with no doubts, situations which can also make people happy. Therefore, there are several things related to human feelings which can bring happines and do not require money. In conclusion, although, money is relevant in order to achieve personal material desires which is something that can make people happy, there are things such as the presence of a loved or charity which can bring happines as well. Then, for sure money is a way to achieve happiness, but undoubtly there are many other ways.
Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in life. Whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a manner for fulfilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
desires, things and situations related to human feelings can
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
living a
Possible spelling mistake found.
frustated
life, where their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
desires cannot
be achieved
.
Hence
, huge amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
offers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to satisfy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
aspirations.
For example
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
buying a new car or traveling abroad
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
eating tasty and health food demands a large quantity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can be an enabler for things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
happy.

However
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Thus
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other things related to
Possible typo. Did you mean: "human emotions"?
human's emotions
which can play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
someone
happiness.
For instance
, spending time with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
one or practicing charity by helping others in necessity, these things
usually
do not cost any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and are, with no doubts, situations which can
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Therefore
, there are several things related to human feelings which can bring
Possible spelling mistake found.
happines
and do not require money.

In conclusion
, although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is relevant in order to achieve personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
desires which is something that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, there are things such as the presence of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
or charity which can bring
Possible spelling mistake found.
happines
as well
. Then, for sure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
to achieve happiness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Possible spelling mistake found.
undoubtly
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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