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Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v.8

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 8
A great number of people are working for long hours, thus having barely any time for leisure interests. In my opinion, this situation brings about more disadvantages for both the individual and the society. Firstly, working for long duration and not having enough time for physical activities or hobbies can lead people to be victims of numerous hazardous health issues. It is of no doubt that in the pursuit of money and career goals one will definitely neglect one’s health. For example, those whose jobs require them to sit glued to their computer screen might become obese in the long run. In addition to that, starring at the screen for long hours can entail different types of eye diseases such as eye strain and blurry vision. Moreover, it is an undeniable fact that one will most probably suffer from mental illnesses like stress and depression if one does not dedicate a certain amount of time for practicing leisure activities, be it indoors or outdoors. Working overtime has a negative impact on the society as well. It is true that when people living in the same area engage in a / practice a common activity, ties between them are reinforced, thus leaving room for socialisation and making friends. Therefore, having little time devoted for hobbies and interests can somehow jeopardize one’s relationship with the society. Sometimes, one needs to get out of one’s circle, befriend new people with whom one can share one’s happiness and sorrow. So as mentioned earlier, I believe that people must strike a balance between their professional and personal lives to avoid being victims of various health issues and to create and live in a better society.
A great number of
people
are working for
long
hours,
thus
having
barely
any
time
for leisure interests. In my opinion, this situation brings about more disadvantages for both the individual and the society.

Firstly
, working for
long
duration and not having
enough
time
for physical activities or hobbies can lead
people
to be victims of numerous hazardous health issues. It is of no doubt that in the pursuit of money and career goals one will definitely neglect one’s health.
For example
, those whose jobs require them to sit glued to their computer screen might become obese in the
long
run.
In addition
to that, starring at the screen for
long
hours can entail
different
types of eye diseases such as eye strain and blurry vision.
Moreover
, it is an undeniable fact that one will most
probably
suffer from mental illnesses like
stress
and depression if one does not dedicate a certain amount of
time
for practicing leisure activities, be it indoors or outdoors.

Working overtime has a
negative
impact on the society
as well
. It is true that when
people
living in the same area engage in a / practice a common activity, ties between them
are reinforced
,
thus
leaving room for
socialisation
and making friends.
Therefore
, having
little
time
devoted for hobbies and interests can somehow jeopardize one’s relationship with the society.
Sometimes
, one needs to
get
out of one’s circle, befriend new
people
with whom one can share one’s happiness and sorrow.

So
as mentioned earlier, I believe that
people
must
strike a balance between their professional and personal
lives
to avoid being victims of various health issues and to create and
live
in a better society.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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