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some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. how might having a lot of money make people happy? what other things in life can make people happy? v.5

some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. how might having a lot of money make people happy? what other things in life can make people happy? v. 5
Now-a-days some people argue that, the predominant reason to lead a happy life is, to become richest person and to have adequate money beyond the expectations. For certain reason and for the certain group of people this could be true. However, it's also depends on their individual behaviour. There is a plethora of reasons, we are able to see them practically also by having enough money and even more funds and thus it will lead to a happy essence. Firstly, people do not need to bother, even no need to think, about their necessities for their daily activities without doing any sort of physical and logical work. For instance, think about the most eminent persons in Hollywood and their star image. They do have plenty of resources to lead their expensive viability, they do not care about little things such as eating in an expensive hotel, purchasing more expensive items even they do not have a requirement but they still like to purchase at any cost. Secondly, they do not require to worry about their health and their personal possessions since they are in a position to hire people to work for them and to look after for each day. For instance, Anil Ambani, one of the richest people in the world of top hundred people. Normal people don't even think and it's out of their imagination, how much properties and the amount of funds he holds irrespective his business he use to do. On the other hand, besides a lot of money, there are certain other things also need to consider for being happy and prosperous livelihood. Firstly, the variety of relationships which significant impact on the people lives irrespective of their position. By having and by maintaining a proper bonding with the public, people can lead their joyful position. Secondly, by showing empathy towards the homeless and the destitute also people will definitely will lead a better quality of living since their happiness involved in sharing and caring of people. To conclude, irrespective of whether people having enough assets or not, to lead the jubilant state, people start thinking and creating their own space to enjoy with their a little possessions thus it will lead to greater joy and fun in their liveliness.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
-a-days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that, the predominant reason to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
a happy life is, to become
A determiner is probably missing here: "the richest".
richest
person and to have adequate money beyond the expectations. For certain reason and for the certain group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
this could be true.
However
, it's
also
depends on their individual
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

There is a plethora of reasons, we are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them
practically
also
by having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money and even more funds and
thus
it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to a happy essence.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not need to bother, even no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, about their necessities for their daily activities without doing any sort of physical and logical work.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the most eminent persons in Hollywood and their star image. They do have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of resources to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
their expensive viability, they do not care about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
things such as eating in an expensive hotel, purchasing more expensive items even they do not have a requirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
still
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
at any cost.
Secondly
, they do not require
Did you mean "worrying"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to worry
about their health and their personal possessions since they are in a position to hire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work for them and to look after for each day.
For instance
, Anil
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ambani
, one of the richest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the world of top hundred
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and it's out of their imagination, how
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
properties and the amount of funds he holds irrespective his business he
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
do.

On the other hand
,
besides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money, there are certain other things
also
need to consider for being happy and prosperous livelihood.
Firstly
, the variety of relationships which significant impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
lives
irrespective of their position. By having and by maintaining a proper bonding with the public,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
their joyful position.
Secondly
, by showing empathy towards the homeless and the destitute
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will definitely will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
a better quality of living since their happiness involved in sharing and caring of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To conclude
, irrespective of whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
assets or not, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
the jubilant state,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking and creating their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
space to enjoy with
Did you mean "there"?
their
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "possession"?
possessions
thus
it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to greater joy and fun in their liveliness.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. how might having a lot of money make people happy? what other things in life can make people happy? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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