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Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v.4

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 4
Money is a luxury which is often desired by some people to make them happy. They believe choosing wealth over any other things is the main way to be satisfied or contend with life. Humans are insatiable, whether it is for rich or poor, everyone wants to have a lot of money. Firstly, having money in abundance will lead you to buy things which you always dreamed of. Everyone wants a better standard of living. This is the most important reason why the lower and middle class people choose finance. For example, if u give a bag full of cash to a person who always wished for, he will be so overwhelmed with happiness for sure. Secondly, Money is power. The rich always prefer money no matter how much they have got, they still wish for more. Affluent person has the power to control many things because the whole world runs on it. For instance, a politician will try to buy his votes to come into power as it is seen in most of the developing countries. There are many other things in life where people favour it over money. These are relationship, family, friendship and honesty. Many people believe that the company with their loved ones makes them feel more complete rather than other luxurious desires. To illustrate, a man who enjoys being with his family will not choose to move away to a different location, if he is offered a good hike in his occupation. Another example is an altruistic person will never choose money. In contrast, choosing to have a lot of money for happiness completely depends on the person for what he wishes for. The factors are whether he chooses his family or pride and honesty, or to buy things and fulfil his desires.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is a luxury which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
desired by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them happy. They believe choosing wealth over any other things is the main way to
be satisfied
or contend with life. Humans are insatiable, whether it is for rich or poor, everyone wants to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.

Firstly
, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in abundance will lead you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things which you always dreamed of. Everyone wants a better standard of living. This is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason why the lower and middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
finance.
For example
, if u give a bag full of cash to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who always wished for, he will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
overwhelmed with happiness for sure.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is power. The rich always prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
no matter how much they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
, they
still
wish for more. Affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has the power to control
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the whole world runs on it.
For instance
, a politician will try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
his votes to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into power as it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other things in life where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
it over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. These are relationship, family, friendship and honesty.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them feel more complete
rather
than other luxurious desires. To illustrate, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who enjoys being with his family will not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
away to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
location, if he
is offered
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
hike in his occupation. Another example is an altruistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will never
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
money.

In contrast
, choosing to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for happiness completely depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
for what he wishes for. The factors are whether he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chooses
his family or pride and honesty, or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things and fulfil his desires.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
298 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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