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Some people say that traveling abroad is the way to really learn about another country. However, other people say that it is not necessary to travel as we can find enough information about other countries on the TV or through the internet. Discuss both vi v.1

Some people say that traveling abroad is the way to really learn about another country. However, other people say that it is not necessary to travel as we can find enough information about other countries on the TV or through the internet. 1
In many parts of the world, viewers who appeal to them to witness entertainment and sports shows and pay a great deal of money. In my opinion, it is an excellent trend because they provide economic support to the performers and the industry and help maintain the culture. The attendance of amusements generates revenue to the performers and their promoters. The sole livelihood of athletes and artists is through spectators’ attributes. Otherwise, they could not get by. Moreover, the thriving of this industry means flourishing of the economy from taxes and other sideline commodities that may be sold during the event. For example, football matches that were held in Egypt as part of African Cup of Nations 2019, generated not only prosperity for locals, but also contributed in preparing the National football team and provided them with the necessary equipment. Therefore, a confident cycle is established, which allow a rise in prices in tickets and live streaming and increase the facilities provided to players, which in turn will refresh the overall monetary system. Arts and sports are an integral part of the community in the sense that supporting them means the preservation of the continuation of culture. Music events have always allured people from all over the globe to fly and to be part of it. For instance, Sinai nomads in North Sinai in Egypt have their style in the festivity that attracts many tourists. Thus, if tourists would not visit those diverse cultures, they would die out. In conclusion, I think that it is a great development that people are spending money on cultural and sports spectacles and they should be encouraged to do that more often because it is salient to the survival of athletes and artists and preserving the national identity of a country.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parts
of the world, viewers who appeal to them to witness entertainment and sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and pay a great deal of money. In my opinion, it is an excellent trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they provide economic support to the performers and the industry and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
maintain the culture.

The attendance of amusements generates revenue to the performers and their promoters. The sole livelihood of athletes and artists is through spectators’ attributes.
Otherwise
, they could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
by.
Moreover
, the thriving of this industry means flourishing of the economy from taxes and other sideline commodities that may
be sold
during the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
For example
, football matches that
were held
in Egypt as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of African Cup of Nations 2019, generated not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
prosperity for locals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
contributed in preparing the National football team and provided them with the necessary equipment.
Therefore
, a confident cycle
is established
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
a rise in prices in tickets and
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
live streaming
and increase the facilities provided to players, which in turn will refresh the
overall
monetary system.

Arts and sports are an integral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of the community in the sense that supporting them means the preservation of the continuation of culture. Music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
have always allured
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from all over the globe to
fly
and to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of it.
For instance
, Sinai nomads in North Sinai in Egypt have their style in the festivity that attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tourists.
Thus
, if tourists would not visit those diverse cultures, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
out.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is a great development that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are spending money on cultural and sports
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
spectacles and
they should
be encouraged
to do that more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is salient to the survival of athletes and artists and preserving the national identity of a country.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that traveling abroad is the way to really learn about another country. However, other people say that it is not necessary to travel as we can find enough information about other countries on the TV or through the internet. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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