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New technology has changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

New technology has changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
Online video games and electronic gadgets have taken an indispensable place in the current Young generation. It is advisable that, children should be inspired to devote a greater amount of time enjoying outdoor games and sports. I completely agree with the latter statement as leisure activities in open air yield more benefits and this essay will explain the reasons for the same. Firstly, youngsters should get involved more in outdoor activities rather than playing indoor because it helps in their mental and physical development. Playing outdoor nourishes children, who are stressed out with competitive academics, especially in urban areas, as open air refreshes their mind, moreover, this also helps in building their physical fitness. When an IQ test was conducted by UNICEF in various schools, participants from schools whose schedule comprised more of leisure sports have scored dramatically higher than pupil whose educations institute do not give any importance to games. Hence, children must be involved in leisure activities more frequently as it helps in up-bringing intelligence in parallel to physical growth. Also, hidden potential in children can be discovered when they attempt to play sports. Many children are blessed with inner talent which gets unnoticed since they never attempt to play as the situation never demands. A recent news channel reported that most of the national and international sports players, for example, Sania Mirza, Ferrer Rodger, Saina Nehwal, P. V. Sindhu etc. , had joined the sport just as a hobby, however, they were later identified as proficient players due to their ease in the sport skill and can be groomed to become professionals. In conclusion, youngsters should be involved more in playing outdoor sports and games as it helps in building their physical and intellectual fitness and furthermore, attempting to play sport may also unlock a child’s hidden prospective towards representing sport at regional level.
Online video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and electronic gadgets have taken an indispensable place in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
Young generation. It is advisable that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be inspired
to devote a greater amount of time enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter statement as leisure activities in open air yield more benefits and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons for the same.

Firstly
, youngsters should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
activities
rather
than playing indoor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in their mental and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
development. Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
nourishes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
out with competitive academics,
especially
in urban areas, as open air refreshes their mind,
moreover
, this
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in building their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness. When an IQ
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
was conducted
by UNICEF in various schools, participants from schools whose schedule comprised more of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have scored
dramatically
higher than pupil whose educations institute do not give any importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be involved
in leisure activities more
frequently
as it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in up-bringing intelligence in parallel to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
growth.

Also
, hidden potential in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be discovered
when they attempt to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are blessed
with inner talent which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
unnoticed since they never attempt to play as the situation never demands. A recent news channel reported that most of the national and international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players,
for example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sania
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mirza
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ferrer
Rodger,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Saina
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nehwal
, P. V.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sindhu
etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as a hobby,
however
, they were later identified as proficient players due to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and can
be groomed
to become professionals.

In conclusion
, youngsters should
be involved
more in playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in building their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and intellectual fitness and
furthermore
, attempting to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
may
also
unlock a child’s hidden prospective towards representing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
at regional level.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay New technology has changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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