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Some people think that it is necessary to travel abroad to learn about other countries, but others think that it is not necessary to travel abroad because all the information can be seen on the TV and internet. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people think that it is necessary to travel abroad to learn about other countries, but others think that it is not necessary to travel abroad because all the information can be seen on the TV and internet. v. 1
People have different views about whether traveling is best way to obtain knowledge about other countries while, some individuals believe that people ca get information about foreign countries via browsing and watching television, In my opinion people can get an adequate information about other countries if they visit to these areas personally. On the one hand, there are several reasons for why the majority of the people opt for traveling and sightseeing naturally rather than traveling vicariously. Firstly, people would be able to make new connections and friends which are essential to country and people. Secondly, many people actually watch programmes about places they have been to, or which they intend to visit Moreover, when people destined to different areas, they gain knowledge not only geographically but also about cultures and as well as various customs. For example, a study have shown that when people travel personally to another countries, they get hands on experience about their heritage. On the other hand, traveling vicariously saves one's money and time. It is unquestionable that advance technology including internet and television have all sort of informations. For instance, with the help of TV and internet we can travel around the world. In addition, if some people wish to visit difficult access continent such as Antarctica which is hard to get there thanks to harsh weather but they can obtain all kind of knowledge with the click of a button on the basis of TV and internet Furthermore, TV channels lik " Discovery" and " National Geo" can offer a wealth of fascinating programmes that can captivate viewers more than direct experience. In conclusion, while many people believe that there are some benefits to gain knowledge about different countries through Internet and TV but I believe HD images can not replace the excitement of meeting new people and discovering their culture.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether traveling
A determiner is probably missing here: "is the best".
is best
way to obtain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
while,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ca
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
information about foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
via browsing and watching television, In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
'information' is a mass noun (i.e., uncountable). Therefore, the preceding 'an' is probably wrong.
an adequate information
about other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
if they visit to these areas
personally
.

On the one hand, there are several reasons for why the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opt for traveling and sightseeing
naturally
rather
than traveling
vicariously
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new connections and friends which are essential to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
actually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
about places they have been to, or which they intend to visit
Moreover
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
destined to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas, they gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
geographically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
about cultures and
as well
as various customs.
For example
, a study have shown that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel
personally
to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hands on experience about their heritage.

On the other hand
, traveling
vicariously
saves one's money and time. It is unquestionable that advance technology including internet and television have all sort of
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
.
For instance
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of TV and internet we can travel around the world.
In addition
, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wish to visit difficult access continent such as Antarctica which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
there thanks to harsh weather
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can obtain all kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
with the click of a button on the basis of TV and internet
Furthermore
, TV channels
Possible spelling mistake found.
lik
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
Discovery
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
National Geo
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
can offer a wealth of fascinating
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
that can captivate viewers more than direct experience.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
through Internet and TV
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe HD images can not replace the excitement of meeting new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and discovering their culture.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Some people think that it is necessary to travel abroad to learn about other countries, but others think that it is not necessary to travel abroad because all the information can be seen on the TV and internet. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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