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Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v.6

Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 6
In today’s modern world, parents are sending their children to attend a variety of classes including music, science and computer classes. Among these three classes, some people assert that more time should be allocated to join the science and computer classes instead of music class which I strongly agree. In these times of austerity, children are facing problems in their academic and it is one of the reasons why children are advisable to learn a more useful subject like science. Learning science subjects enable children to think from different perspectives and hence they may become more knowledgeable. It is proven that when children who learn science can actually deal with difficulties than any other students using scientific theories they learnt in school. Besides, learning science is the stepping stone to achieve a higher goal. It is considerably significant for children who want to be a doctor or scientist and they are the ones who more likely to contribute more than a musician to the societies. On the other hand, learning computers rather than music benefits children more both in their academic performance and their future career as well. It is undeniable that computer plays an indispensable role in every field around the globe at present. Many of the companies these days, thus, sponsor their employees to join the basic computer classes so that they can handle most of the tasks in their workplace. In the days to come, the employers may expect every interviewer to master this skill following the continual development of technology. Hence, it is crucial for every child nowadays to learn computers so that are familiar with the function of computers and becomes computer-literate. In conclusion, learning more important subjects like science and computers are more beneficial in comparison to music as they will help the children to become successful and brings glories to our nation.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s modern world, parents are sending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to attend a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. Among these three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that more time should
be allocated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
which I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.

In these times of austerity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are facing problems in their academic and it is one of the reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are advisable to learn a more useful subject like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
subjects enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives and
hence
they may become more knowledgeable. It
is proven
that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
can actually deal with difficulties than any other students using scientific theories they
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in school.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
is the stepping stone to achieve a higher goal. It is
considerably
significant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who want to be a doctor or
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
scientist and
they are the ones who more likely to contribute more than a musician to the societies.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
computers
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
benefits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more both in their academic performance and their future career
as well
. It is undeniable that computer plays an indispensable role in every field around the globe at present.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
these days,
thus
, sponsor their employees to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the basic computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can handle most of the tasks in their workplace. In the days to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
, the employers may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
every interviewer to master this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
following the continual development of technology.
Hence
, it is crucial for every child nowadays to learn computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that are familiar with the function of computers and becomes computer-literate.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
subjects like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computers are more beneficial
in comparison
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become successful and brings glories to our nation.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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