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Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v.2

Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 2
It is true that some education systems have different outlines for teaching. Some believe that governments are better to pay attention to music lessons; however, others, myself included, agree that scientific courses could be more valuable. On the one hand, some individuals agree that music lessons taught in schools can assist pupils to become more creative. In this way, those who are graduated from a music college will be able to surpass other rivals applied for the dental course in university. The reason beyond this is that this group will be more prosperous in practical lessons, which are numerously taught in the dental universities. In addition, they will achieve more in some manual tasks. Had a normal student learned piano in childhood, he or she would have had a better control on their hands than the normal ones, helping them to react faster. As a result, this group of students will become more creative practically. On the other hand, learning technical subjects can be more beneficial to students, and I believe that its advantages outweigh the benefits gained from music lessons. In this case, they can defeat other competitors because they higher scientific backgrounds learned before entering the university. Being familiar with computer software, students will be able to understand more deeply the related details taught in the university. Besides, doctors will have more conceptual learning when they were having learned basics of medicine. Personally, if I had not had sufficient knowledge about human physiology learnt in high school, I would not have succeeded in medicine. In conclusion, music lessons are valued in some education systems. However, scientific subjects could be more important practically because they can assist scholars to achieve their goals during the higher level of education.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
education systems have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
outlines for teaching.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
are better to pay attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
;
however
, others, myself included,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that scientific courses could be more valuable.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
taught in schools can assist pupils to become more creative. In this way, those who
are graduated
from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
college will be able to surpass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
rivals applied for the dental course in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. The reason beyond this is that this group will be more prosperous in practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
, which are
numerously
taught in the dental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
.
In addition
, they will achieve more in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
manual tasks. Had a normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
learned piano in childhood, he or she would have had a better control on their hands than the normal ones, helping them to react faster.
As a result
, this group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will become more creative
practically
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, learning technical subjects can be more beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, and I believe that its advantages outweigh the benefits gained from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
.
In this case
, they can defeat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
competitors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they higher scientific backgrounds learned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. Being familiar with computer software,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will be able to understand more
deeply
the related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
taught in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.
Besides
, doctors will have more conceptual learning when they were having learned basics of medicine.
Personally
, if I had not had sufficient knowledge about human physiology
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in high school, I would not have succeeded in medicine.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
are valued
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
education systems.
However
, scientific subjects could be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
practically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can assist scholars to achieve their goals during the higher level of education.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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