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Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v.4

Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 4
Child education & their curriculum is always a matter of controversy, especially among parents. Though some people are against to spend a great deal of money and other resources for music classes in school, I hold the view that this is not a waste of time and money if school curriculum and syllabus are arranged wisely. One obvious reason to support my view is that this is a great opportunity to identify people's hidden talents in music and playing music instruments. Many students have a good deal of extra talents along with academic excellence in these days. This extra talent identification and promotion would be helpful not only for the individual but also for the whole society in various ways. Apart from that, music classes are stepping stone of many music maestros and professional singers in these days. For instance, renowned musician Muhammed Shafi strongly mentioned in his biography that the school music classes remoulded his career as a professional singer. Another justification to support my opinion is that the music classes immensely help to reduce tension and stress which occurs while the study of complex subjects. To be more precise, students feel relaxation while attending music classes in the midst of Mathematics and Science classes. Besides, these refreshments enhance the concentration in other subjects in a great extent. On top of that, students can get academic excellence. To cite an example, recent research has doubtlessly proven that the music tremendously enhances the brain activities, especially concentrations. Some others argue that the science and computer subject allocation must be increased instead of music classes. They argue that these subjects are playing leading role in the contemporary world. Perhaps it may be true, but we cannot deny that this is a great opportunity to identify and promote the future singers, who also are the major part of our society. Taking everything into consideration, wise allocation of each subject, including music, in the curriculum will countlessly contribute to school children's overall development.
Child education & their curriculum is always a matter of controversy,
especially
among parents. Though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are against to spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
deal of money and other resources for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, I hold the view that this is not a waste of time and money if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum and syllabus
are arranged
wisely
.

One obvious reason to support my view is that this is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
opportunity to identify
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's hidden talents in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
instruments.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
students have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
deal of extra talents along with academic excellence in these days. This extra talent identification and promotion would be helpful not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the individual
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the whole society in various ways. Apart from that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
are stepping stone of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
maestros and professional singers in these days.
For instance
, renowned musician Muhammed
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shafi
strongly
mentioned in his biography that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
Possible spelling mistake found.
remoulded
his career as a professional singer.

Another justification to support my opinion is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
immensely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
tension and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
which occurs while the study of complex
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. To be more precise, students feel relaxation while attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
in the midst of Mathematics and Science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
.
Besides
, these refreshments enhance the concentration in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
extent.
On top of that
, students can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
academic excellence. To cite an example, recent research has
doubtlessly
proven that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
tremendously
enhances the brain activities,
especially
concentrations.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
others argue that the science and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
allocation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be increased
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. They argue that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are playing leading role in the contemporary world. Perhaps it may be true,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we cannot deny that this is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
opportunity to identify and promote the future singers, who
also
are the major part of our society.

Taking everything into consideration, wise allocation of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, in the curriculum will
countlessly
contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children's
overall
development.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
330 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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