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Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v.3

Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 3
There is a general belief that music subject in school does not add any value to the children’s education. As an alternative, the time and money should be spent on more important subjects, for example, science and IT.   Although there are arguments on both sides, I strongly agree that music should be banned from the school program. The school program is getting more difficult and children need to cope with all new requirements and practice a lot in order to be able to have good marks. For example, in the past children were required only to read and they were asked only basic math to be able to solve. However, the level of difficulty modern students are required to learn is significantly higher. For this reason, music should be removed from school curriculum and children should not waste their time and parents money on it. The next point that needs to be taken into consideration is that music is an essential subject only for children who have a special talent on it. In this case, those with talent could be educated in music school but not in state general school. For instance, every city has at least three music schools where children could be taught various music subjects such as the history of music, compositors, how to play on a guitar or a violin. To sum up, it is evident that music subject should not be included in school curriculum due to the necessity to spend more time and money on practice with more useful subjects like science and IT.   I firmly believe that those who wish to learn music should study it in the music schools and do not waste time and money in ordinary school.
There is a general belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
any value to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education. As an alternative, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be spent
on more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
for example
, science and IT.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Although there are arguments on both sides, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be banned
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
program.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
program is getting more difficult and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to cope with all new requirements and practice a lot in order to be able to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks.
For example
, in the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were required
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
read and
they
were asked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
basic math to be able to solve.
However
, the level of difficulty modern students
are required
to learn is
significantly
higher.
For this reason
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be removed
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not waste their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on it.

The
next
point that needs to
be taken
into consideration is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have a special talent on it.
In this case
, those with talent could
be educated
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not in state general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
For instance
, every city has at least three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could
be taught
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as the history of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, compositors, how to play on a guitar or a violin.

To sum up, it is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
should not
be included
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum due to the necessity to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on practice with more useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like science and IT.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
I
firmly
believe that those who wish to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should study it in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and do not waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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