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Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v.5

Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 5
Gone are the days when schools were only meant for study. Now children have a wide variety of additional classes available in schools such as music. Undeniably, some people believe that these activities serve no useful purpose, but I fully dissent with this argument. The very first reason for this lack of consensus is that they are the boon for unprivileged children. Almost everywhere there are children from such section of society, which cannot afford such pleasures outside school premises due to the associated cost. Take an example of wards of lower income demographics in developing nations; they hardly have money to shell out for these kinds of programs. Therefore, such facilities will help them pursue their aspirations in music, sports etcetera. Another factor that favours such extra activities is that they help pupils to relax. They already have so much to combat in their curriculum in order to stay ahead in this world of cut-throat competition that it will be wrong to snatch this little time from them for studying same subjects like computers and science again. It has been proven by research that students perform better if they are allowed to follow their passion side by side. In crux, I would say that devoting time to music, sports and so on in schools cannot be called sheer wastage of times since it can help the children of poor citizens to follow their desire to learn something apart from studies. Moreover, they provide a great relief to all the students from the monotonous schedule of studies.
Gone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "is".
are
the days when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
meant for study.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a wide variety of additional classes available in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
such as music.
Undeniably
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that these activities serve no useful purpose,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
fully
dissent with this argument.

The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
reason for this lack of consensus is that they are the boon for unprivileged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Almost everywhere there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from such section of society, which cannot afford such pleasures outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
premises due to the associated cost. Take an example of wards of lower income demographics in developing nations; they hardly have money to shell out for these kinds of programs.
Therefore
, such facilities will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them pursue their aspirations in music, sports etcetera.

Another factor that
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
such extra activities is that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
pupils to relax. They already have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much to combat in their curriculum in order to stay ahead in this world of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
-throat competition that it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to snatch this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time from them for studying same subjects like computers and science again. It has
been proven
by research that students perform better if they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to follow their passion side by side.

In crux, I would say that devoting time to music, sports and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
cannot
be called
sheer wastage of times since it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of poor citizens to follow their desire to learn something apart from studies.
Moreover
, they provide a great relief to all the students from the monotonous schedule of studies.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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