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Some people say that the purpose of education is to prepare individuals to be useful to society. Others say its purpose is to prepare individuals to achieve personal ambitions. v.2

Some people say that the purpose of education is to prepare individuals to be useful to society. Others say its purpose is to prepare individuals to achieve personal ambitions. v. 2
In current years, the aim of pursuing higher education has been widely a fashionable trend. Some people believe that education lays on the aim of preparing individuals to serve the society. While some others assert that education conducts personal goal. Indeed, these issues emerges a fierce debate. As regards for this case, I will scrutinise both views along with related examples. To begin with, the idea that every living individual belongs to the more complex group is a very basic concept which shapes any aspect of human life including education. This further becomes a framework of education nurturing people in the sake of emerging positive impact to the broad communities. In this regards, as a part of the society, individuals are responsible for contributing their knowledge they have acquired. Subsequently, it is strongly assumed that knowledge without devotion is such a meaningless sense in any variant of ways. It is the sense of devotion which encourage individuals to achieve their education for the sake of benefiting others. Furthermore, the national government urges the schools to enrich the pupils with the sense of nationalism where the citizen has to put public necessity over personal need. A very good example is Indonesian Government requires schools to provide nationality subject in elementary and junior high schools. In contrast, obtaining individual ambition should remain as the purpose of education particularly in the modern age. As is it widely acknowledged that individualism becomes a major trend where people put aside social aspect. Undoubtedly, modern lifestyle propels people to seek their own desire of how their education should be aimed to. Moreover, the belief that people must fulfil their own need plays an essential role in this case. Finally, human rights tell us the freedom of everyone choice in focusing their own passion. For instance, people has legal rights to assert their purpose in acquiring education. To sum up, I personally think that preparing individuals to devote the society outweighs the other view in the term of education purpose.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
years, the aim of pursuing higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has been
widely
a fashionable trend.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
Did you mean "lies on"?
lays on
the aim of preparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to serve the society.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
conducts personal goal.
Indeed
, these issues emerges a fierce debate. As regards for this case, I will
Possible spelling mistake. 'scrutinise' is British English.
scrutinise
both views along with related examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that every living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
belongs to the more complex group is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
basic concept which shapes any aspect of human life including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This
further
becomes a framework of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
nurturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the sake of emerging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact to the broad communities. In
Did you mean "these"?
this
regards, as a part of the society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are responsible for contributing their knowledge they have acquired.
Subsequently
, it is
strongly
assumed that knowledge without devotion is such a meaningless sense in any variant of ways. It is the sense of devotion which encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to achieve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for the sake of benefiting others.
Furthermore
, the national
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
urges the schools to enrich the pupils with the sense of nationalism where the citizen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
put public necessity over personal need. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example is Indonesian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
requires schools to provide nationality subject in elementary and junior high schools.

In contrast
, obtaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
ambition should remain as the purpose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
particularly
in the modern age.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
is it
widely
acknowledged that individualism becomes a major trend where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
put aside social aspect.
Undoubtedly
, modern lifestyle propels
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to seek their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
desire of how their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
should
be aimed
to.
Moreover
, the belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
fulfil their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
need plays an essential role
in this case
.
Finally
, human rights
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
us the freedom of everyone choice in focusing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
passion.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
legal rights to assert their purpose in acquiring education.

To sum up, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that preparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
to devote the society outweighs the other view in the term of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
purpose.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the purpose of education is to prepare individuals to be useful to society. Others say its purpose is to prepare individuals to achieve personal ambitions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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