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1 describe how to use a piece of equipment 2 describe a member of your family who are very close to 3 describe someone that you admire v.1

1 describe how to use a piece of equipment 2 describe a member of your family who are very close to 3 describe someone that you admire v. 1
It is observed that, to be a popular person like a movie actor or an icon in games gives you advantages but, it creates some issues also. In the following paragraphs, I will be discussing both of the aspects and will provide my opinion in the conclusion. At the outset, being famous surely provide you respect that you will never have, being a normal individual. You are then important for everyone around you. For instance, there is a friend of mine who recently got a debut film. Earlier, he was a junior artist at a theatre, but suddenly picked by a reputed director, and now he is wealthy at one side, but, also gaining love and care from all of his fans, buddies and relatives. On the other hand, however, there are dangers also. It is undoubtedly fine with the money and status, but, this position sometimes lets you to the dark side of this beautiful world. Here, I am talking about the mafia. Its a gang that haunts you for money to give you protection in return. To illustrate it better, let me take an example of my friend again as he was too attacked by these people. My mate was asked to give them five lacks rupees else, they would shoot him accordingly. Unfortunately, he had to serve them as per their terms. To recapitulate, I would say that it is obvious, that, the fame provides you an another level of respect and care, but you have to deal with the other threats also that comes along. Well, I think one can bear some risks in life. So, according to me holding a good position or being a celebrity gives you much more benefits than a little problem.
It
is observed
that, to be a popular person like a movie actor or an icon in games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
you advantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, it creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issues
also
. In the following paragraphs, I will be discussing both of the aspects and will provide my opinion in the conclusion.

At the outset, being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
surely
provide you respect that you will never have, being a normal individual. You are then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for everyone around you.
For instance
, there is a friend of mine who recently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a debut film. Earlier, he was a junior artist at a
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
suddenly
picked by a reputed director, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he is wealthy at one side,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
also
gaining
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and care from all of his fans, buddies and relatives.

On the other hand
,
however
, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
also
. It is
undoubtedly
fine with the money and status,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, this position
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
you to the dark side of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
world. Here, I am talking about the mafia.
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
Its
a gang that haunts you for money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
you protection in return. To illustrate it better,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me take an example of my friend again as he was too attacked by these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. My mate
was asked
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
them five lacks rupees else, they would shoot him
accordingly
. Unfortunately, he had to serve them as per their terms.

To recapitulate, I would say that it is obvious, that, the fame provides you
One of these determiners is redundant in this context. Choose only one: "a level" or "another level".
an another level
of respect and care,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with the other threats
also
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
along. Well, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
one can bear
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
in life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, according to me holding a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
position or being a celebrity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
you much more benefits than a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
problem.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 1 describe how to use a piece of equipment 2 describe a member of your family who are very close to 3 describe someone that you admire v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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