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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discussion both these views and give your own opinions. v.14

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discussion both these views and give your own opinions. v. 14
A problem of modern societies is the declining level of health in the general population with conflicting views on how to tackle this worrying trend. One possible solution is to provide more sports facilities to encourage a more active lifestyle. Advocates of this believe that today’s sedentary lifestyle and stressful working conditions mean that physical activity is no longer part of either our work or our leisure time. If there were easy to-reach local sports centres, we would be more likely to make exercise a regular part of our lives, rather than just collapsing in front of a screen every evening. The variety of sports that could be offered would cater for all ages, levels of fitness and interests: those with painful memories of PE at school might be happier in the swimming pool than on the football pitch. However, there may be better ways of tackling this problem. Interest in sport is not universal and additional facilities might simply attract the already fit, not those who most need them. Physical activity could be encouraged by installing exercise equipment in parks as my local council has done. This has the added benefit that parents and children often use them together just for fun, which develops a positive attitude to exercise at an early age. As well as physical activity, high tax penalties could be imposed high-fat food products, tobacco and alcohol, as excessive consumption of any of these contributes to poor health. Even improving public transports would help as it takes longer to walk to the bus stop than to the car. In my opinions, focusing on sports facilities is too narrow an approach and would not have the desired results. People should be encouraged not only to be more physically active but also to adopt a healthier lifestyle in general.
A problem of modern societies is the declining level of health in the general population with conflicting views on how to tackle this worrying trend. One possible solution is to provide more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities to encourage a more active lifestyle.

Advocates of this
Did you mean "belief" (noun) instead of believe (verb)?
believe
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s sedentary lifestyle and stressful working conditions mean that physical activity is no longer part of either our work or our leisure time. If there were easy to-reach local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
, we would be more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
exercise a regular part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
collapsing in front of a screen every evening. The variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
that could
be offered
would cater for all ages, levels of fitness and interests: those with painful memories of PE at school might be happier in the swimming pool than on the football pitch.

However
, there may be better ways of tackling this problem. Interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is not universal and additional facilities might
simply
attract the already fit, not those who most need them. Physical activity could
be encouraged
by installing exercise equipment in parks as my local council has done. This has the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
benefit that parents and children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them together
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for fun, which develops a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude to exercise at an early age.

As well
as physical activity, high tax penalties could
be imposed
high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
food products, tobacco and alcohol, as excessive consumption
Consider simply using "of" instead.
of any of
these contributes to poor health. Even improving public transports would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
as it takes longer to walk to the bus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
than to the car.

In my opinions, focusing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities is too narrow an approach and would not have the desired results.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
should
be encouraged
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to be more
physically
active
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to adopt a healthier lifestyle
in general
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discussion both these views and give your own opinions. v. 14

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
301 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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