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Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Others say that spending time with friends and family is more important. Discuss both the view and give your opinion. v.2

Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Others say that spending time with friends and family is more important. v. 2
Education would be considered as a rudimentary requirement of an individual. Some people perceive that acquiring skills that helps in the future, jobs such as studying academic subjects or interpersonal communication is a crucial thing, provides opportunity to earn high; while others give more priority to their near and dear one, which provides moral support and happiness. This essay will discuss my stance with supporting arguments in further paragraphs. To begin with, the foremost reason is that there are many people who are always ready to learn new things and they think that it would become a helpful for them to achieve their future goals. Even in the recent times, the competition is growing rapidly. So, the people must work more to gain the basic need of the life. For example, Research conducted shows that in the Megapolis monthly expenses had increased drastically compared to the past; this was the result of the exorbitant price of the basic product. Moreover, Momentarily, the entire world is converted into a small village with the use of the Internet. Acquiring facts and to grow your skills would become an easy. Although a person is attracted by the large incentive given by the multinational companies, this force to perform harder to acquire this position. On the other hand, there are some people who things it would be better to spend their time with family and friends, as they provide support and care in any type of situation. This will help a person to achieve confidence and gives them physical and mental strength; with such marks gives strength them to do certain task attentively and result is converted in the good score. For instance, when children are learning a new skill like painting, parents can help them by providing support and encouraging them would become easy to excel in a particular skill. In conclusion, by spending time with family and friends will gives positive energy which helps a person to acquire the goals. As per my opinion, this depends on an individual that how to balance job and family by giving appropriate time to them as each plays an impartial role in their life.
Education would
be considered
as a rudimentary requirement of an individual.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perceive that acquiring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in the future, jobs such as studying academic subjects or interpersonal communication is a crucial thing, provides opportunity to earn high; while others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
more priority to their near and dear one, which provides moral support and happiness. This essay will discuss my stance with supporting arguments in
further
paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the foremost reason is that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are always ready to learn new
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
things and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it would become a helpful for them to achieve their future goals. Even in the recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, the competition is growing
rapidly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
work more to gain the basic need of the life.
For example
, Research conducted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that in the Megapolis monthly expenses had increased
drastically
compared to the past; this was the result of the exorbitant price of the basic product.
Moreover
,
Momentarily
, the entire world
is converted
into a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
village with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet. Acquiring facts and to grow your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
would become an easy. Although a person
is attracted
by the large incentive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, this force to perform harder to acquire this position.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who things it would be better to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with family and friends, as they provide support and care in any type of situation. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
a person to achieve confidence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
them physical and mental strength; with such marks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
strength them to do certain task
attentively
and result
is converted
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
score.
For instance
, when children are learning a new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
like painting, parents can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them by providing support and encouraging them would become easy to excel in a particular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.

In conclusion
, by spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with family and friends will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
energy which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
a person to acquire the goals. As per my opinion, this depends on an individual that how to balance job and family by giving appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to them as each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "play"?
plays
an impartial role in their life.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Others say that spending time with friends and family is more important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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