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Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Other say the spending time with friends and family is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion? v.1

Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Other say the spending time with friends and family is more important. v. 1
To lead a happy life, people need both career and family. Certain individual tell that giving time for a successful career is the most vital thing. Whereas, others say time spent with friends and family is more important. In my opinion, I agree with the later notion to spare time with loved ones is essential. On the one hand, People ascertain spending time with family and friends is very much essential for health benefits and I agree. The individual spends most of the time in workplace in meeting and carrying out the difficult task. By doing this regularly it will affect their health, they are chance that stress related illness and tension of work will not allow them to lead a peaceful lifelife. Hence to release the workload and get themselves diverted they can meet with friends and family member. This way their mental depression can be reduced and this how life can be balanced. For instance, As per recent study it was concluded that 95% people in corporate world suffer from stress related illness and by mingling with acquaintance has proven successful. On the other hand, people saying devoting time for building career are necessary. They think most important to lead a happy life is to have an employment. Usually first job will not offer good salary, it will only fulfil the basic needs of life. In order to have good paying jobs to satisfy all your wants is to grab a job in reputed multinational company. Individual need to prove his worth and for this he has acquired expertise in his field and also simultaneously need to acquire additional skill as per growing demand. To acquire experience and also additional skill he goes on spending his day and night. For instance, recent online survey stated that all the CEO and CFO of US based company have invested most of time in jobs and acquiring skills. In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I strongly support with giving maximum attention to relatives and acquaintance is most important for good health. Thus it will also increase productivity by balancing the work and family life.
To lead a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
both career and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Certain individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
that giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for a successful career is the most vital thing. Whereas, others say
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent with friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the later notion to spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones is essential.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
ascertain spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much essential for health benefits and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. The individual spends most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in workplace in meeting and carrying out the difficult task. By doing this
regularly
it will affect their health, they are chance that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
related illness and tension of work will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to lead a peaceful
Possible spelling mistake found.
lifelife
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
to release the workload and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
themselves diverted they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with friends and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
member. This way their mental depression can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
and this how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can
be balanced
.
For instance
, As per recent study it
was concluded
that 95%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in corporate world suffer from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
related illness and by mingling with acquaintance has proven successful.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
saying devoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for building career are necessary. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to lead a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is to have an employment.
Usually
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will not offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fulfil the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In order to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to satisfy all your wants is to grab a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in reputed multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to prove his worth and for this he has acquired expertise in his field and
also
simultaneously
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to acquire additional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
as per growing demand. To acquire experience and
also
additional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
he goes on spending his day and night.
For instance
, recent online survey stated that all the CEO and CFO of US based
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
have invested most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and acquiring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may vary in their opinions, I
strongly
support with giving maximum attention to relatives and acquaintance is most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it will
also
increase productivity by balancing the work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Other say the spending time with friends and family is more important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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