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Nowadays, online shopping has become more popular while some people argue in-store shopping would be better. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Nowadays, online shopping has become more popular while some people argue in-store shopping would be better. v. 1
Recent years, the number of people who purchase from online shopping is ever increasing. But, others think that in-store shopping is a great choice. I prefer online shopping and I consider this as a positive development, due to several reasons. First of all, it helps to save life because people find it difficult to devote their season to shop because of their busy lifestyle. For instance, they have a full-time job which means that they have no term to go shopping. Shopping can be easily done with the help of several online shops such as Alibaba, eBay, Amazon, etc. Secondly, online shopping can offer a cheaper price compared to the traditional idea of shopping. For example, in many stores products are not affordable, but they are costly indeed. In contrast, online shopping has a discount on its products and sometimes you will get extra bonuses too. Thus affordable price and discounts make online shopping more popular than another form of shopping. On the other hand, the delivery of purchasing things may take a long days. Additionally, online shops do not restore normal services without delay, whereas you can buy clothes and other things immediately in stores after choosing. One thing that online stores cannot replace is the experience of actually seeing and touching the item you are considering buying. By the process explanation, you cannot try on clothes before you buy. To sum up, although online shopping does not give you a real sense of shopping and some problems may occur, such as the delay in delivery and being unable to check the quality of the product. I believe that online shopping is more effective than the traditional style of shopping.
Recent years, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ever increasing
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that in-store
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is a great choice. I prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
and I consider this as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, due to several reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to save life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
find it difficult to devote their season to shop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their busy lifestyle.
For instance
, they have a full-time job which means that they have no term to go
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Shopping
can be
easily
done with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shops such as Alibaba, eBay, Amazon, etc.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
can offer a cheaper price compared to the traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stores products are not affordable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are costly
indeed
.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has a discount on its products and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
extra bonuses too.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
affordable price and discounts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
more popular than another form of shopping.

On the other hand
, the delivery of purchasing things may take a long
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "day"?
days
.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shops do not restore normal services without delay, whereas you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
clothes and other things immediately in stores after choosing. One thing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
stores cannot replace is the experience of actually seeing and touching the item you are considering buying. By the process explanation, you cannot try on clothes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
does not give you a real sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems may occur, such as the delay in delivery and being unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the quality of the product. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is more effective than the traditional style of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays, online shopping has become more popular while some people argue in-store shopping would be better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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