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Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. Do you agree or disagree. v.9

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 9
A large number of individuals are of the opinion that institutions do not adequately tutor youngsters about health. I completely agree because these schools do not have sufficient lecturers and the teachers lack the patience to tutor each child because they are overwhelmed with their work schedule. The main reason why there is an insufficient approach to the teaching of healthiness in schools is because lecturers are inadequate. In other words, teachers are not enough to lecture these youngsters. For example, Lagos State government schools, with over 50 students in a classroom and one tutor teaching all the subjects. Because of this, the teacher cannot adequately follow up with the well being of each child. Therefore, inadequate lecturers in institutions could lead to insufficient tutoring of young adults about healthiness. Another reason is that the teachers lack the patience to ensure that youngsters adhere to healthiness because they are overwhelmed with course work. This has resulted in poor compliance of students to healthy living. For example, my cousin, a boarder in one of the secondary schools in Nigeria, was on a diet as he was obese. However, he gained weight whenever he returned home because his tutors lacked the forbearance to teach him on the need to exercise. So, tutors do not have the endurance to teach these youngsters about health because they are overworked. In conclusion, I totally agree that insufficient teachers and lack of forbearance due to overload of work can hinder the tutoring of young adults about their health.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
individuals are of the opinion that institutions do not
adequately
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutor
youngsters about health. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not have sufficient lecturers and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
lack the patience to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutor
each child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are overwhelmed
with their work schedule.

The main reason why there is an insufficient approach to the teaching of healthiness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
lecturers are inadequate.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to lecture these youngsters.
For example
, Lagos State
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, with over 50 students in a classroom and one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutor
teaching all the subjects.
Because of this
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
cannot
adequately
follow up with the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of each child.
Therefore
, inadequate lecturers in institutions could lead to insufficient tutoring of young adults about healthiness.

Another reason is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
lack the patience to ensure that youngsters adhere to healthiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are overwhelmed
with course work. This has resulted in poor compliance of students to healthy living.
For example
, my cousin, a boarder in one of the secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in Nigeria, was on a diet as he was obese.
However
, he gained weight whenever he returned home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutors
lacked the forbearance to teach him on the need to exercise.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutors
do not have the endurance to teach these youngsters about health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are overworked
.

In conclusion
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that insufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and lack of forbearance due to overload of work can hinder the tutoring of young adults about their health.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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