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Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 1
Some people argue that students in schools do not get adequate teaching for maintaining their health. In my opinion, I agree with this statement, regarding some absent of important health materials studied in the physical education subject, unhealthy tight scheduled lifestyle, and lack of school health programmes. At first, physical education as the only health education subject in schools should cover a wide range of health aspects, such as proper rest time, healthy diets, and introduction to diseases and their causes. If we refer to what PE has covered in schools, we can see in most of the schools it mainly talk about sports theories, their rules, and sports practices. While health is a combination of many aspects rather than sports only, therefore more non-sports materials should be added to the PE subject. Second, chances for student to implement a healthy lifestyle while having schools is rarely hard. For instance, students are being fulfilled with a lot of assignments and tight schedules. They are hardly having their leisure time playing with their friends outside. As playing outside is one of the most efficient and practical exercises for them, they should be able to do that regularly. Schools also do not have or support healthy diets in their canteens. In my experiences, I had junk food most of the time from my school canteen, since there are plenty of them sold. In this case, school authorities should limit food variances that are allowed to sell in their cafeterias. Furthermore, they may give more points or price discounts for those students who buy healthy food from their recommended stalls. In conclusion, schools have not optimized their PE subjects, environments, and programmes to support a healthy lifestyle for their students. They should add more healthy-related materials to their PE subject as well as implement more health innovative programs, and reducing overtime schedule for their students.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
adequate teaching for maintaining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement, regarding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
absent of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
materials studied in the physical education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, unhealthy tight scheduled lifestyle, and lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.

At
first
, physical education as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should cover a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
aspects, such as proper rest time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diets, and introduction to diseases and their causes. If we refer to what PE has covered in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
it
mainly
Did you mean "talks"?
talk
about sports theories, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, and sports practices. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is a combination of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects
rather
than sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
,
therefore
more non-sports materials should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
to the PE subject.

Second, chances for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to implement a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle while having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
being fulfilled
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
assignments and tight schedules. They are hardly having their leisure time playing with their friends outside. As playing outside is one of the most efficient and practical exercises for them, they should be able to do that
regularly
.

Schools
also
do not have or support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diets in their canteens. In my experiences, I had junk food most of the time from my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
canteen, since there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of them sold.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities should limit food variances that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to sell in their cafeterias.
Furthermore
, they may give more points or price discounts for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
food from their recommended stalls.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have not optimized their PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, environments, and
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
to support a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more healthy-related materials to their PE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
as well
as implement more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
innovative programs, and reducing overtime schedule for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
312 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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