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Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 2
Taking care of our health is really important. Hence, schools teach young generations to be concern with their health by including physical examination and biology subject as mandatory subjects. Physical examination allows students to gain interest regarding sports while biology subject makes them get to know biological process in their body and how to maintain their health. However, health-related issues are not merely about physical health, we cannot disregard mental health issues either. Thus, some people argue that the health knowledge provided by schools for adolescents is not sufficient. In this essay, I shall give my opinion to support this statement. To begin with, talking about health, so many people only consider about physical health. Starting from having a good diet, doing physical activities, and so on. Nevertheless, nowadays, mental health issues are inevitable. For example, knowing that using drugs is harmful to our body, people should have not even tried it. The number of substance abuse is increasing year by year although schools educate their students to avoid using drugs. It proves that psychological health is also as important as physical health. The information regarding mental health in schools is limited, hence friends and family supports are necessary. Second, self-taught regarding mental and physical health from various sources is really important. For example, some people cannot do some sports taught at school do to some medical conditions. Everybody is different, that is why we have to know ourselves more. Schools only provide general knowledge, so we cannot rely on it. In conclusion, health-related issues are not merely related to physical health, but also mental health. Thus, I believe gaining the knowledge from schools is not enough. Supports from family and friends are necessary to reach the balance. Self-taught to know ourselves more is also important.
Taking care of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
teach young generations to be concern with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
examination and biology subject as mandatory subjects.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
examination
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
students to gain interest regarding sports while biology subject
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know biological process in their body and how to maintain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
However
, health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
are not
merely
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, we cannot disregard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
either.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
knowledge provided by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
for adolescents is not sufficient. In this essay, I shall give my opinion to support this statement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, talking about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
consider about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Starting from having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
diet, doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Nevertheless
, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
are inevitable.
For example
, knowing that using drugs is harmful to our body,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have not even tried it. The number of substance abuse is increasing year by year although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
educate their students to avoid using drugs. It proves that psychological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is
also
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. The information regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is limited
,
hence
friends and family supports are necessary.

Second, self-taught regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
from various sources is
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports taught at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
do to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
medical conditions. Everybody is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
,
that is
why we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
know ourselves more.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provide general knowledge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we cannot rely on it.

In conclusion
, health-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
are not
merely
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Thus
, I believe gaining the knowledge from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. Supports from family and friends are necessary to reach the balance. Self-taught to know ourselves more is
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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