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Some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 4
It is argued by certain people whether it is schools’ responsibility to teach adolescents to take care of their health or not. Based on my perspective, schools have the obligation to give these kinds of health awareness to their students. The first reason for this is that children in recent times spend most of their time at school. This means that what was taught in class will affect how the students behave and the way they think about something. If a school teaches how we can maintain our health, teenagers will most likely follow what was instructed since it is a fact that the environment you live in give a huge impact on our cerebration. Health knowledge can be gained not only in class when the students have a specific subject but I also believe that the school provides some kind of board that can be seen by people around the school and they can simply read it from there. A final issue that is impacting why I think this way is that most people, not only teenagers, are just too lazy to do exercises at home. At school, especially in P. E. class, there will be teachers that can watch after the students. To illustrate, if a student was caught not wanting to do the sport, the teacher can give reprimand to the student. Meanwhile at home, not all parents can look after their child all the time. Some may be busy at their workplace. Therefore, exercising at school can be more effective rather than at home. To sum up, it seems to me that schools hold the greatest responsibility to give health knowledge. Young adults spend their time mostly at school is one of the reasons why I agree with the statement.
It
is argued
by certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
whether it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools’
responsibility to teach adolescents to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
or not. Based on my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have the obligation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
awareness to their students.

The
first
reason for this is that children in recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This means that what
was taught
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
will affect how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
behave and the way they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about something. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teaches how we can maintain our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
will most likely follow what
was instructed
since it is a fact that the environment you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
a huge impact on our cerebration.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
knowledge can
be gained
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have a specific subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
also
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of board that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
they can
simply
read it from there.

A final issue
that is
impacting why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this way is that most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
too lazy to do exercises at home. At
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
especially
in P. E.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, there will be teachers that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. To illustrate, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
was caught
not wanting to do the sport, the teacher can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
reprimand to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
at home, not all parents can look after their child all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may be busy at their workplace.
Therefore
, exercising at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can be more effective
rather
than at home.

To sum up, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
hold the greatest responsibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
knowledge. Young adults spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
mostly
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is one of the reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement.
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Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some people say that schools should be responsible to teach young adults to look after their health, while others think this is not the responsibility of schools. with the statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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