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Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. v. 2
A recent study shows that it is important for us to have at least one hobby to refresh our mind. We can choose a hobby that suits us, either playing games or doing sports. Some people believe that an enjoyable hobby should be challenging. In this essay, I shall give some facts and opinions to support this statement. To begin with, human brain is complex, it always looks for uncertainty. For example, we do not want to read the last page before starting to read a new novel and we get mad when someone spoil the plot of a new movie in the cinema. As it is mentioned above, our brain tends to look for uncertainty, this is why mysterious novels and unpredictable movie endings attract people the most. Second, human is a competitive creature. Our ability to compete and solve problems make the human-being survives until now. Regarding doing their hobbies, people always look for new challenges and competitions to prove their power and glory. For example, some official game competitions and sport matches are held all over the world and game developers always create games which divided into several difficulty levels. People feel satisfied if they can manage the easy level and go further to the next level. Furthermore, people also feel fulfilled if they can compete their rival. This satisfaction feeling cause the excretion of dopamine hormone which can make us feel happy and addicted to it. In conclusion, it is scientifically proven that people tent to get bored if their hobby is not challenging. The sense of uncertainty and competition are two main factors that people look for in their hobbies. Hence, I believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some ways.
A recent study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us to have at least one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
to refresh our mind. We can choose a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
that suits us, either playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
or doing sports.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that an enjoyable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
should be challenging. In this essay, I shall give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
facts and opinions to support this statement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, human brain is complex, it always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
looks
for uncertainty.
For example
, we do not want to read the last page
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting to read a new
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
novel and
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
mad when someone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "spoils".
spoil
the plot of a new movie in the cinema. As it
is mentioned
above, our brain tends to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
for uncertainty, this is why mysterious novels and unpredictable movie endings attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the most.

Second, human is a competitive creature. Our ability to compete and solve problems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the human-being survives until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. Regarding doing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
for new challenges and competitions to prove their power and glory.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
official game competitions and sport matches
are held
all over the world and game developers always create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which divided into several difficulty levels.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
feel satisfied if they can manage the easy level and go
further
to the
next
level.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
feel fulfilled if they can compete their rival. This satisfaction feeling cause the excretion of dopamine hormone which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us feel happy and addicted to it.

In conclusion
, it is
scientifically
proven that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tent to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
is not challenging. The sense of uncertainty and competition are two main factors that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
for in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
.
Hence
, I believe that in order for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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