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Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health? Do you agree or disagree? v.5

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health? v. 5
The institution in which young people are given instructions in a disciplined way is known as school. It is true that schools always focus more on their academic responsibilities. Therefore, I strongly agreed that schools do not do enough to make young people healthy and fit. (46) We had seen in the past that children always learned many things of general life from schools beside their studies. The schools not only taught academic syllabus to children, but also enabled them to spend a healthy life. Thus, schools played an important role in the growth of physical and mental capacities of young people in the past. (58) Presently, the competition among students as well as schools has greatly changed the ways and means of education in almost all the countries. Nowadays, every school is in a hurry to prove the academic competencies of its students and no one cares about their health. Although, the extracurricular activities are arranged on an annual basis in all the big schools, however, it has never observed that schools arranged some special lectures on health and physical fitness. Similarly, the lessons on general health also have not been included in the curriculum designed for young people at school level. (95) The recent development in the education sector has forced the schools to arrange lessons on general health on regular basis. Thus, if the schools keep on focusing on the overall grooming of children, then our new generation will surely be more healthy and intelligent. (43) Hence, I believed that it is the moral duty of all schools to teach young people about the importance of health and physical fitness in addition to their academic commitments. (30)
The institution in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
instructions in a disciplined way
is known
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
always focus more on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
responsibilities.
Therefore
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
healthy and fit. (46)

We had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the past that children always learned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things of general life from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
beside their studies. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
syllabus to children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
enabled them to spend a healthy life.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the growth of physical and mental capacities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the past. (58)

Presently
, the competition among students
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
has
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the ways and means of education in almost all the countries. Nowadays, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is in a hurry to prove the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
competencies of its students and no one cares about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Although, the extracurricular activities
are arranged
on an annual basis in all the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
however
, it has never observed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
arranged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special lectures on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and physical fitness.
Similarly
, the lessons on general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
also
have not
been included
in the curriculum designed for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
level. (95)

The recent development in the education sector has forced the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to arrange lessons on general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
on regular basis.
Thus
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on focusing on the
overall
grooming of children, then our new generation will
surely
be more healthy and intelligent. (43)

Hence
, I believed that it is the moral duty of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and physical fitness
in addition
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
commitments. (30)
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health? v. 5

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
279 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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