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Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.10

Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 10
There is always a heated debate about school curriculum content. There is a group of people who asserts that at school level students are not given enough education about medical sciences. I completely agree to this phenomenon, as current school curriculum, particularly health subject requires a lot of improvement. I shall elaborate my stance with valid argument and examples in the following paragraphs. To begin with, one of the major factor is lack of updated syllabus. No or very little consideration is put to improvise and update the syllabus content according to the recent research in health sector. Medical sciences has drastically revolutionized and scientist are finding ways to cure people by inserting chips in their bodies. Whereas, at elementary level, students are still examining frogs. The orthodox theories and content provides no benefit to the students but only enables them to pass the exam to promote to the next level class. To elucidate my stance further, the lack of practical learning is adversely affecting young students. At school level, major focus is on theory learning and practical education is least considered. For instance, at my school level, I had attended only couple of practical classes with the standard basic attempts such as reaction of different substances and impact of different doses on animals. To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, I completely agree to the stance that students are not provided with quality and productive information about health subject at school level and it is overlooked by curriculum establishing authorities. I suggest a considerate amount of effort should be put in to update the content according to recent innovations and discoveries in the medical science sector and sheer focus should be put towards practical learning as well.
There is always a heated debate about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
. There is a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who asserts that at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
education about medical sciences. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to this phenomenon, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum,
particularly
health subject requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
improvement. I shall elaborate my stance with valid argument and examples in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the major factor is lack of updated syllabus.
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
No
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
consideration
is put
to improvise and update the syllabus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
according to the recent research in health sector. Medical sciences has
drastically
revolutionized and scientist are finding ways to cure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
by inserting chips in their bodies. Whereas, at elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
still
examining frogs. The orthodox theories and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
provides no benefit to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enables them to pass the exam to promote to the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.

To elucidate my stance
further
, the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
learning is
adversely
affecting young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. At
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
, major focus is on theory learning and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
education is least considered.
For instance
, at my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
, I had attended
It seems that an article is missing.
only couple of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
classes with the standard basic attempts such as reaction of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
substances and impact of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
doses on animals.

To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the stance that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are not provided with quality and productive information about health subject at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
and it
is overlooked
by curriculum establishing authorities. I suggest a considerate amount of effort should
be put
in to update the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
according to recent innovations and discoveries in the medical science sector and sheer focus should
be put
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
learning
as well
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that schools do not do enough to teach young people about health. v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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