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Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individuals responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views a v.10

Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individuals responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. 10
There is a well known saying that “excess of everything is Bad”. Sugar is also known as sweet poison in many countries because of harms associated with its excessive usage. Due to increasing damage of sugar, there are people who demand from government to ban or at least restrict the use of sugar while other still believe that it is responsibility of individuals to manage their intake. I shall discuss both the views before concluding. Easiest way of stopping people from something is to impose ban on consumption or make its availability difficult. There is a group of people who have this point of view that government should intervene and take necessary steps to control people’s sugar usage. This can be achieved in many ways including educating people about the harms caused by excessive sugar consumption or by raising the prices or imposing taxes on purchase. If education serves the purpose, it is good for all else taxes will eventually impact on the purchase power and hance usage will be dropped. On the contrary, there is a bunch of people who believes on self help. They emphasizes on self control instead of being guided by government authorities. Everyone is responsible for their doings and people are aware of the hazards caused by intense use of sugar, so their health is in their own hand. They have to work on limiting themselves on intake of sweet. To summarize, I support the idea of second group as everything cannot be put on governments as individuals hold same level of responsibilities. Health is wealth and if we will not take good care of ourselves, no one will. Being mature people, it is our sheer responsibility to maintain our diet and make sure to not have anything which can risk our health and life in a longer run.
There is a well known saying that “excess of everything is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Bad
”.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sugar
is
also
known as sweet poison in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of harms associated with its excessive usage. Due to increasing
The usual collocation for word "damage" is "to" not "of." Revise: "damage to".
damage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who demand from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to ban or at least restrict the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
while other
still
believe that it is responsibility of individuals to manage their intake. I shall discuss both the views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
concluding.

A determiner is probably missing here: "the Easiest".
Easiest
way of stopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from something is to impose ban on consumption or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
its availability difficult. There is a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have this point of view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should intervene and take necessary steps to control
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
usage. This can
be achieved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways including educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the harms caused by excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
consumption or by raising the prices or imposing taxes on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. If education serves the purpose, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for all else taxes will
eventually
impact on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
power and
Possible spelling mistake found.
hance
usage will
be dropped
.

On the contrary
, there is a bunch of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who believes on self
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. They
Possible agreement error -- use base form here: "emphasize".
emphasizes
on
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self control
instead
of
being guided
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
authorities. Everyone is responsible for their doings and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are aware of the hazards caused by intense
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their health is in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hand. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work on limiting themselves on intake of sweet.

To summarize
, I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of second group as everything cannot
be put
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
as individuals hold same level of responsibilities. Health is wealth and if we will not take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care of ourselves, no one will. Being mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, it is our sheer responsibility to maintain our diet and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure to not have anything which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
our health and life in a longer run.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individuals responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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