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16-Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

16-Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. v. 2
On the globe, many people have outrageous hobbies that challenge the conventional mindset of having a common hobby such as reading, painting etc. some people are of the view that a hobby should be challenging for it to be more enjoyable. I agree to this phenomenon as this approach is useful in many aspects. To begin with, in this fast-paced environment, a hobby must be directly proportionate to a productive outcome. For instance, people who like to climbe mountains not only enjoy their hobby, yet achieve physical fitness by building their stamina. This challenging activity is difficult to achieve, yet serves the purpose of exercise for which they might not be able to take out time from their busy routines. I personally know a person who used to go on hiking on extreme steep mountains, It appeared to be quite a uphill task but at the same time that person was physically strong and he never needed to go to the gym for any additional exercise. To elucidate my stance further, a unique hobby gives a sense of achievement as well, something that is done over and above conventional behavior. For instance, people who like to do scuba-diving, learn something new and they also get to explore the new world under the sea. Similarly, people who tend to try skiing for the first time experience something different by roaming through the mountains covered with snow. A forgettable lifetime experience, eager to do something uncommon is an achievement in itself. In conclusion, I reiterate that having a unique and challenging hobby is a rational approach as it not only provides self-satisfaction but also has other benefits attached to it.
On the globe,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have outrageous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
that challenge the conventional mindset of having a common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
such as reading, painting etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the view that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
should be challenging for it to be more enjoyable. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to this phenomenon as this approach is useful in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced environment, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
directly
proportionate to a productive outcome.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
like to
Possible spelling mistake found.
climbe
mountains not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
,
yet
achieve physical fitness by building their stamina. This challenging activity is difficult to achieve,
yet
serves the purpose of exercise for which they might not be able to take out time from their busy routines. I
personally
know a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go on hiking on extreme steep mountains, It appeared to be quite
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
uphill task
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time that person was
physically
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
strong and
he never needed to go to the gym for any additional exercise.

To elucidate my stance
further
, a unique
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
gives a sense of achievement
as well
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
that
is done
over and above conventional behavior.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
like to do scuba-diving, learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
new and
they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to explore the new world under the sea.
Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
tend to try skiing for the
first
time experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
by roaming through the mountains covered with snow. A forgettable lifetime experience, eager to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
something
uncommon is an achievement in itself.

In conclusion
, I reiterate that having a unique and challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
is a rational approach as it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provides self-satisfaction
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
has other benefits attached to it.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay 16-Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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