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Some governments spend a lot of public money training individuals to be successful in international sporting events. Some people believe that this money should be spent on things that will benefit the general public instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some governments spend a lot of public money training individuals to be successful in international sporting events. Some people believe that this money should be spent on things that will benefit the general public instead. v. 1
Several countries do a lot of expenditure on training sportsmen competing in global sporting competitions. While I do agree that proper training facilities should be provided to athletes, it should impact the monetary allocations for other public projects and should be based on countries available resources. A lot of times small developing nations spend an enormous amount of money for training there athletes just to satisfy the ego of the people in power. Resources are pulled back from essential public schemes in the name of hollow national pride, for example several developing nations send their teams overseas for training and spend a large amount funds on the same. Sometimes this also leads to corruption and government workers take cutbacks for organizing such trips. Furthermore this does not help the general public and does not aid in making their lives easier. These decisions should be based on the nation's economy and funding power and should not be done just because other large nations are doing it. On the other hand this money could have been invested in public schemes like building better roads, schools and hospitals. The general population of the country uses these facilities and investing in them would also help in improving the country's economy. This would also improve the lives of the general public. Resources can also be directed in improving the local sporting infrastructure so that a large number of citizens can leverage it to train better rather than a few individuals. In conclusion I would say that investing huge amount of public funds in training few individuals should be avoided and should never be done at the expense of other public welfare programs.
Several countries do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
expenditure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
sportsmen competing in global sporting competitions. While I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
facilities should
be provided
to athletes, it should impact the monetary allocations for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
projects and should
be based
on countries available resources.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
developing nations spend an enormous amount of money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
there athletes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to satisfy the ego of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in power. Resources
are pulled
back from essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
schemes in the name of hollow national pride,
for example
several developing nations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their teams overseas for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
and spend a large amount funds on the same.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
this
also
leads to corruption and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
workers take cutbacks for organizing such trips.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
this does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
and does not aid in making their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
easier. These decisions should
be based
on the nation's economy and funding power and should not
be done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
large nations are doing it.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand this money could have
been invested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
schemes like building better roads, schools and hospitals. The general population of the country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
these facilities and investing in them would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in improving the country's economy. This would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
. Resources can
also
be directed
in improving the local sporting infrastructure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
citizens can leverage it to train better
rather
than a few individuals.

In
The comma is probably missing here: "conclusion, I".
conclusion I
would say that investing huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
funds in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
few individuals should
be avoided
and should never
be done
at the expense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
welfare programs.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some governments spend a lot of public money training individuals to be successful in international sporting events. Some people believe that this money should be spent on things that will benefit the general public instead. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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