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Some people say that parents should encouraged their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give you v.1

Some people say that parents should encouraged their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 1
In the recent years, the amount of investment required in research and treatment of diseases has increased exponentially. Many believe that money should instead be utilized in preventive measures. However, while I believe that preventative actions will be beneficial, I do not agree that spending on researching and treating diseases should be reduced. On the one hand, there are many diseases, for example, diabetes, heart ailments, obesity, which is attributed to life style disorders. The main contributing factors for these diseases are lack of exercise, consumption of fatty and sugary foods and stress. These illnesses can be curbed by preventative measures, for example by limiting the intake of fat and sweet foods, by having a more active lifestyle and practicing yoga and meditation. Government can spread awareness of this by having various programs across cities and conducting free camps on yoga and meditation. On the other hand, there are diseases which cannot be prevented for example, certain types of cancer, liver & kidney ailments to name a few. These require to be treated with various advance surgeries and medications. Moreover, many new types of illness are being discovered every day and hence research on how to treat and cure them is necessary. As per the recent report, countries that have a robust medical research program are better equipped to deal with the needs of ever-changing medical needs of the people. In conclusion, not all diseases can be prevented hence research and treatment needs to continue irrespective of the money involved. In fact, with the growing number of new ailments discovered, more money is required to be allocated for study and curing them.
In the recent years, the amount of investment required in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
and treatment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
has increased
exponentially
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that money should
instead
be utilized
in preventive measures.
However
, while I believe that preventative actions will be beneficial, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that spending on researching and treating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
,
for example
, diabetes, heart ailments, obesity, which
is attributed
to life style disorders. The main contributing factors for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
are lack of exercise, consumption of fatty and sugary foods and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. These illnesses can
be curbed
by preventative measures,
for example
by limiting the intake of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sweet foods, by having a more active lifestyle and practicing yoga and meditation.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
can spread awareness of this by having various programs across cities and conducting free camps on yoga and meditation.

On the other hand
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
for example
, certain types of cancer, liver & kidney ailments to name a few. These require to
be treated
with various advance surgeries and medications.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new types of illness are
being discovered
every day and
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
on how to treat and cure them is necessary. As per the recent report, countries that have a robust medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
program are better equipped to deal with the needs of ever-changing medical needs of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
and treatment needs to continue irrespective of the money involved. In fact, with the growing number of new ailments discovered, more money
is required
to
be allocated
for study and curing them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encouraged their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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