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Some parents say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for them to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Some parents say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for them to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 1
Children's lifestyle has changed nowadays from the past because of technology, however, they spend their leisure time in a different way. Some people see that youngsters should spend their free time doing activities, but others see that they have to do some work, because they should be occupied all the time. In my opinion, I think that children should do some activities or even practice some sport. In this essay, both perspectives along with my point of view will be demonstrated before reaching a conclusion. On one hand, some folks want their children to participate in social activities or sports games during their free time, because infants need to build or gain some social and personal skills more than learning science or maths. Their character gives them the motivation to be successful in practical life. In addition to this, being a citizen with balance ideology is more important than a scientist with a terrible ideology. For instance, there is a study was done by Cairo University that assumes that 60% of young boys and girls who have hobbies and practice sports in their free time are more successful than others. Hence, this example shows that how activities can make them better. On the other hand, others think that they have to be busy all the time because they need to do tasks without stopping. In other words, they should spend their time working on something, studying or doing their homework. For example, The Guardian published a recent study that 30% of children who do tasks under stress have a major risk to get a frustration in the future, they also need a psychological treatment to get a recovery. Thus, this shows that it is a disaster, as they have to be normal. In conclusion, after this essay has shown both opinions, it may be assumed that youngsters should spend their childhood without any type of stress. I am of the belief that they need to practice their hobbies and favourite sport.
Children's lifestyle has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
nowadays from the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of technology,
however
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that youngsters should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should
be occupied
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that children should do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
or even practice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. In this essay, both perspectives along with my point of view will
be demonstrated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a conclusion.

On one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
folks want their children to participate in social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
games during their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
infants
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to build or gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social and personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
more than learning science or
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
. Their character gives them the motivation to be successful in practical life.
In addition
to this, being a citizen with balance ideology is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than a scientist with a terrible ideology.
For instance
, there is a study
was done
by Cairo University that assumes that 60% of young boys and girls who have hobbies and practice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
are more successful than others.
Hence
, this example
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them better.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be busy all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
to do
tasks without stopping. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
working on something, studying or doing their homework.
For example
, The Guardian published a recent study that 30% of children who do tasks under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
have a major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a frustration in the future, they
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a psychological treatment to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a recovery.
Thus
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that it is a disaster, as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be normal.

In conclusion
, after this essay has shown both opinions, it may
be assumed
that youngsters should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their childhood without any type of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. I am of the belief that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to practice their hobbies and
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for them to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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