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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.3

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 3
Learning is a process to obtain knowledge at every age of one's life. Although people believe that engaging their children in structured peer activities in a liesure time would be beneficial for growth and development of the children. While on the other hand some people argue that it is significant for children to learn how to present yourself to others. To begin with, there are various process of being in a arranged group activities such as, first and foremost it helps to boost children confidence level and self esteem. For instance, playing Soccer game is required teamwork and the leadership to make a goal. Through building coordination could lead the team towards success. Secondly, being in the similar age children don't afraid to speak up. Thus, learning gives strength and assist them to learn the just of childhood marvelous achievement and also they are are more than active to learn anything. As a quick learner, numerous skills taught like how to survive in a society or cooperation and always figured out the goods in them. On the flip side of the coin, children have their own space to bring out some hidden talents for example, they could have been more creative by painting drawings and it depicts to express their emotions through this. However the adverse part is that children seldom left alone by their friends of having lots of homework or might be they have other plans. In this scenario use without supervision children would have been glued to computer or television set to kill the time, which may left the negative impact on the cognition abilities of children. In conclusion, teamwork has remarkable merits as compared to the self occupied activities. In my opine, children are more productive in peer activities and they learnt to cope up with situations by cooperation they had.
Learning is a process to obtain knowledge at every age of one's life. Although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that engaging their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in structured peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in a
Possible spelling mistake found.
liesure
time would be beneficial for growth and development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. While
on the other hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that it is significant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn how to present yourself to others.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are various process of being in
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
arranged group
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "activity"?
activities
such as,
first
and foremost it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to boost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
confidence level and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
.
For instance
, playing Soccer game
is required
teamwork and the leadership to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a goal. Through building coordination could lead the team towards success.
Secondly
, being in the similar age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
don't afraid to speak up.
Thus
, learning gives strength and assist them to learn the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
of childhood marvelous achievement and
also
they
Possible typo: you repeated a word
are are
more than active to learn anything. As a quick learner, numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
taught like how to survive in a society or cooperation and always figured out the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
in them.

On the flip side of the coin,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
space to bring out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hidden talents
for example
, they could have been more creative by painting drawings and it depicts to express their emotions through this.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the adverse part is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
seldom
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone by their friends of having lots of homework or might be they have other plans. In this scenario
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
without supervision
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would have
been glued
to computer or television set to kill the time, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the cognition abilities of children.

In conclusion
, teamwork has remarkable merits as compared to the self occupied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opine,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more productive in peer
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
activities and
they
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
to cope up with situations by cooperation they had.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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