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some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. discuss both these views and give your opinion v.3

some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 3
It is thought that, it has much benefit when you give the freedom to children to handle everything by themselves. Otherwise, I prefer to give support to take some organized group in their school fort killing their leisure time. First of all, I am sure that, courses from their own school are the easy way to sill have handled by the kids. Even if they take the other class out of school, but without controlling means huge freedom and its possibility to become a danger, not only to the children but also the parents. Because, we never know what they have been doing outside. For example, children with the worker parents mostly have independence in the outside their home and school, we can see nowadays criminal suspected is for teenagers. that is why, it is more important to give an advice to children about what they like to make the smooth management of their life. secondly, children will become a proud child like the expectation of most parents and therefore, lead them to the best careers in their life. In other word, there is the tight relation between parents praying and success. Children with affection abound and direction can easily through their career and achieve much more appreciation in their life. for instance, dory always follows her parents' instruction to take the doctoral program in bachelor degree. And for years, she became the best doctor who got the Nobel prize. Thus, still take a part in children's life is the way to create their happiness to long-term perspective. To conclude, I strongly believe, that encourage children to take orginazed group activities is more beneficial than let them to occupy themselves.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that, it has much benefit when you give the freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to handle everything by themselves.
Otherwise
, I prefer to give support to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
organized group in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
fort killing their leisure time.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I am sure that, courses from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are the easy way to sill have handled by the kids. Even if they take the other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
without controlling means huge freedom and its possibility to become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, we never know what they have been doing outside.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with the worker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
mostly
have independence in the outside their home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
nowadays criminal suspected is for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
that
is why, it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to give
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "advice".
an advice
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about what they like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the smooth management of their life.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will become a proud child like the expectation of most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
therefore
, lead them to the best careers in their life. In other word, there is the tight relation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
praying and success.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
with affection abound and direction can
easily
through their career and achieve much more appreciation in their life.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
instance, dory always follows her parents' instruction to take the doctoral program in bachelor degree. And for years, she became the best doctor who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Nobel prize
.
Thus
,
still
take a part in children's life is the way to create their happiness to long-term perspective.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe, that encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to take
Possible spelling mistake found.
orginazed
group activities is more beneficial than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them to occupy themselves.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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