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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1
Some people consider parents should cheer their offsprings during their leisure time to participate in group activities. While, some others think children's ability to engage themselves by their own should be considered. This can be due to the team spirit or the cooperation children learn at the early age and also the ability to be independent. On the one hand, a proportion of parents encourage some activities in groups or teams because children are able to participate and learn how to tolerate their fellow members. This means that they are to work as a unit to achieving a particular goal. For example, a high School soccer team with players and a coach having to train for a tournament, the victory after the win is undeniably joyous for a team member after the sacrifices made. With this, a child feels being part of a family and the reward for hard work being success. On the other hand, others think a child's ability to work on his own is important as this might help the youngster realise and appreciate his individuality and make known his strength and weakness. They also think an extra curricular activity might distract their class work. For instance, an introvert who is skillful in computer and coding might not necessarily need to be in a group but practice and dedicated handful of time allows him or her discover what is needful or not. Therefore, a child might function well given an individual space. In conclusion, the question on whether or not offsprings should be involved in a group or left to discover themselves is controversial and both have their pros. I believe a child should belong to an organised party as it is advantageous and a specific reason can be tied to their spare time. Hence, they feel the need to achieve a result outside the four walls of a classroom.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider parents should cheer their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
during their leisure time to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
activities.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
children's ability to engage themselves by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
should
be considered
. This can be due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
spirit or the cooperation children learn at the early age and
also
the ability to be independent.

On the one hand, a proportion of parents encourage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children are able to participate and learn how to tolerate their fellow members. This means that they are to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a unit to achieving a particular goal.
For example
, a high School soccer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
with players and a coach having to train for a tournament, the victory after the win is
undeniably
joyous for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
member after the sacrifices made. With this, a child feels being part of a family and the reward for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
being success.

On the other hand
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
a child's ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the youngster
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
and appreciate his individuality and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
known his strength and weakness. They
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
an
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
distract their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For instance
, an introvert who is skillful in computer and coding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not
necessarily
need to be in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
practice and dedicated handful of time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
him or her discover what is needful or not.
Therefore
, a child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
function well
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an individual space.

In conclusion
, the question on
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should
be involved
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to discover themselves is controversial and both have their pros. I believe a child should belong to an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
party as it is advantageous and a specific reason can
be tied
to their spare time.
Hence
, they feel the need to achieve a result outside the four walls of a classroom.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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